Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: Where are you getting your shrimp?
Me: It’s coming from Wadmalaw Island. (Which is about 18 miles away)
Customer: Ugh! No thanks! I only like local shrimp! Me: Well, it is local-
Customer: (Walking away) It’s ridiculous you can’t get any LOCAL shrimp these days!
Customer: I want tuna.
Me: Okay.
Customer: These ones could have touched the other fish. I want one from the back.
Me: Okay.
(I bring out a piece.)
Customer: No! That one is already open. I want to see you open it.
Me: Okay.
(I bring out a piece, still in the vacuum pack.)
Customer: No! I want to see you open the box.
Me: Okay.
(I bring out a box, open it, take out a vacuum pack, open it, and hand it to her.)
Customer: Thank you.
Other customer: Gee, I hope nobody mishandled that in the boat, at the packing plant, at the warehouse, or in the truck.
(The first customer looks mortified.)
Me: Good morning, ma’am! How are you doing today?
Customer: CRAB LEGS!!!
Customer: (talking on cellphone) They’ve got salmon. Do you want some? (To me) One pound of salmon.
Me: Farm raised or wild caught?
Customer: (To phone) They’ve got two kinds. What kind do you want? I don’t know....I don’t know. (To me) Here, talk to her.
Me: With everything going on, I’m not comfortable touching your phone.
Customer: Don’t be such a baby! Take the goddamned phone!
Me: I’m sorry. I’m not going to do that.
Customer: I’m the goddamned customer. You do what I say!
Me: I’d be more than happy to explain the difference between the salmon..
Customer: Fuck you! I’m getting a manager!
Customer: How much are these crab cakes?
Me: I can’t see where you’re pointing. Which one do you mean?
Customer: The $2.49 one.
Customer: Is this shrimp fresh?
Me: No, ma’am. It’s been frozen. Customer: I don’t want frozen.
Me: I’m very sorry. That’s all I have.
Customer: Awwww is someone feelwing stwessed out?
Customer: Excuse me, what is kwee-soh?
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: (holding up crab queso dip and pointing to the word queso) What is kwee-soh?
Me: Oh queso! It’s like melted Mexican style cheese dip
Customer: (Walking away)Yeah I know what that is!
Customer: Any of this fish grass fed?
Me: Um...no.
Customer: What about the chicken?
Me: Chicken don’t eat grass. I’ve got some grass fed beef.
Customer: That’ll work.
Customer: (gesturing at the empty case) What time do you put out the seafood?
Me: The seafood department opens at 10. What did you need? I can get you whatever you wanted.
Customer: I want some cheese.
Me: Um...the deli is on the other side of the store. What did you need from the seafood department?
Customer: (walking away) Just the cheese.
(I walk into the department. I’m the first one in, and I haven’t even put on an apron yet)
Customer: Fish?
(I drag out the stuff pulled last night)
Customer: I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but this might be easier if you had the fish out.
Me: We don’t open for four hours. I’m the first person in today.
Customer: See if it was out, you wouldn’t have to hunt for it
Customer: I want a pound of scallops.
Me: Sure thing.
Customer: Wait! They’re $8.99 a pound. That’s $9.02
Me: It’s a little over a pound. I can take one out if you want.
Customer: Do that! And don’t give me any attitude. I understand customer service! I own a buisness downtown!
Other Customer: Can’t be that successful of a business if three cents will break you.
Customer: Is this real crab meat?
Me: No, sir. It’s imitation crab meat. Customer: So is it wild caught imitation crab meat?
Customer: Is the “Alaskan King Crab Legs” local?
Customer: Two pieces of salmon.
Me: Which ones would you like?
Customer: Any of them.
(I grab 2)
Customer: No. Not those ones.
Me: Which ones do you want.
Customer: It doesn’t matter. Any of them.
Me: How about these?
Customer: No.
Me: I can grab you any one you like.
Customer: Oh, I don’t care. Any of them are fine.
Customer: (on phone) What type of shrimp do you have today?
Me: I’ve got some shrimp from Georgia for $12.99–
Customer: Let’s get one thing clear. I don’t care about the price. I want to know the type of shrimp.
Me: Okay. I’ve got shrimp from Georgia, Argentina, and Indonesia.
Customer: I’ll be sending my wife for the Georgia ones. Goodbye.
(The phone rings 4 minutes later)
Customer: I just called about the shrimp. How much is the Georgia shrimp?
Me: $12.99.
Customer: You guys need to do better. The health department is going to shut you down!
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: You’ve got cooked shrimp next to raw shrimp. Your ignorance is going to make someone sick!
Me: Are you talking about the Argentina Pink Shrimp?
Customer: Yes. It’s disgusting.
Me: Both shrimp are raw. The pink shrimp is just naturally that color.
Customer: Still. How am I to know it’s not cooked?
Me: Well, we label cooked shrimp with a “cooked tag.”
Customer: Still.
Customer: Disgusting!
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: You sell baby scallops! That’s cruel! So many babies harvested! Gross.
Me: Sir, those are bay scallops. They’re smaller than sea scallops. That’s as big as they get.
Customer: Oh.
(Seconds later)
Customer: Disgusting! You sell veal...
Customer: (on phone)Do you guys have any mussels?
Me: Yeah I sure do.
Customer: Cool what size bag and how much?
Me: 2lbs and they are 5.99 right now.
Customer: how many come in a bag
Me: About 20-25 ish
Customer: YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL YER TALKIN’ ABOUT!!
*click*
Customer: You got any crab meat?
Me: I’m all out. I’m sorry.
Customer: Your coworker said he thought there were two in the back.
Me: Yes, ma’am. But those are reserved for someone.
Customer: Reserved for who?!?!
Me: A customer who called a couple of days ago.
Customer: That’s fucked up.
Customer: Is this “Argentina Pink Shrimp” cooked?
Me: No ma’am. It’s naturally that red color.
Customer: I’ll take a pound.
(I give it to her)
Customer: This is local?
Me: Um...no...it’s from Argentina.
Customer: I thought that was a brand name. Never mind, I don’t want it.