Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: Where’s the Boar’s Head liverwurst?
Me: I don’t actually carry that over here. They may have it in the deli.
Customer: Then why the fuck did they send me over here?!
Me: I’m sorry sir I...
Customer: Fuck you! Piece of shit!
Me: I... Customer: I ought to beat your fucking ass, mother fucker. Have a fucking wonderful day! Don’t fucking talk to me!
Customer: One of those seasoned ribeyes.
Me: Here you go!
Customer: Wait. Those are supposed to be $10.99!
Me: The plain ones are $10.99. The seasoned ones are $11.99.
Customer: That’s not what the sign says.
Me: The sign you’re pointing to is in front of the plain ones.
Customer: Your signs are misleading!
Customer: (talking on cellphone) They’ve got salmon. Do you want some? (To me) One pound of salmon.
Me: Farm raised or wild caught?
Customer: (To phone) They’ve got two kinds. What kind do you want? I don’t know....I don’t know. (To me) Here, talk to her.
Me: With everything going on, I’m not comfortable touching your phone.
Customer: Don’t be such a baby! Take the goddamned phone!
Me: I’m sorry. I’m not going to do that.
Customer: I’m the goddamned customer. You do what I say!
Me: I’d be more than happy to explain the difference between the salmon..
Customer: Fuck you! I’m getting a manager!
Customer: (on phone) I used the Shift app yesterday and I’m not happy with the product I got. The ribeye was not at thick as I like, the asparagus could have been fresher, and they brought the wrong type of shrimp.
Me: I’m sorry ma’am. We can cut to whatever thickness you like-
Customer: That’s not good enough!! Shift brought me the wrong stuff! It’s unacceptable!
Me: Again, I apologize, but the people that shop for Shift aren’t store employees. There isn’t much I can do.
Customer: I want your corporate number. Me: Sure. Hold on.
Customer: I want two 6oz sirloin fillets.
Me: I’ll have to cut them. Give me like five minutes.
(Later)
Me: Here are your fillets.
Customer: Are those 8oz?
Me: I thought you said 6oz.
Customer: Those are too small.
Me: I can cut them. Give me five more minutes.
Customer: (sigh) I guess.
Customer: Where’s the guacamole?
Me: That’s over in produce.
Customer: They just sent me over here!
Me: I don’t have stuff like that over here. It’s in produce.
Customer: I was just there! The place with all the bread!
Me: That’s the bakery. Produce is the place with the vegetables. Right there.
Customer: Okay.
Customer: (looking at half empty shelves and tons of people in the store) Your truck late?
Me: No. We aren’t getting one today.
Customer: Someone should lose their job over that.
Customer: Where’s your split chicken breasts?
Me: I’m all out. We’re only getting in about half of what we ordered and people are buying it up quickly.
Customer: That’s shitty! Don’t know if you heard, but there’s an outbreak going on! (He storms away)
Customer: One of those ribeyes.
Me: Here you go.
Customer: Your case go down?
Me: Um...no.
Customer: Well, there’s nothing in this case and the light is off. I figured either you are having trouble with the case or you guys are slacking off.
Me: Well, we don’t open for another two hours. I’m setting up now. The ribeyes are the first thing I cut.
Customer: Ah. I see.
Customer: Don’t see any lamb out here.
Me: I’m sorry. We’re switching suppliers, so we’re having a hard time getting it in right now.
Customer: Bet it’s because of all that. Nonsense in China. Coronavirus stuff.
Me: I mean...all our lamb is domestic.
Customer: Freaking China...
Customer: You got one of those Impossible Whoppers?
Me: I have some plant based burgers here.
Customer: I want an Impossible Whoppers.
Me: That’s available at Burger King. We carry Beyond Meat. It’s the same idea.
Customer: Lame.
Customer: Do y’all have any neck bones?
Me: No ma’am. We are all out. I do have some ham hocks.
Customer: (Pointing to where the neck bones normally are) Are there any over there?
Me: I’m sorry. There aren’t.
Customer: None in the back?
Me: No ma’am. I just checked for a customer. We’re all out
Customer: Ok... well this store BLOWS!
Customer: You guys need to do better. The health department is going to shut you down!
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: You’ve got cooked shrimp next to raw shrimp. Your ignorance is going to make someone sick!
Me: Are you talking about the Argentina Pink Shrimp?
Customer: Yes. It’s disgusting.
Me: Both shrimp are raw. The pink shrimp is just naturally that color.
Customer: Still. How am I to know it’s not cooked?
Me: Well, we label cooked shrimp with a “cooked tag.”
Customer: Still.
Customer: We’ll take two of the “Angus Boneless.”
Me: Which kind would you like?
Customer: The “Angus Boneless.”
Me: Yes, but the Strip steaks? The ribeyes? The tenderloin?
Customer: THE “ANGUS BONELESS!” I’m reading your sign!
Me: Yes, ma’am. The first line of every sign is “Angus Boneless” the line below that is the type of steak.
Customer: “ANGUS BONELESS!!”
“Attention shoppers: we will be closing in 30 minutes.”
Customer: Why are you closing?
Me: We only stay open until 2 on Thanksgiving.
Customer: I’m not American. I don’t give a fuck about this holiday. I’m taking my time, they can try and throw me out.
Customer: Where are your turkeys?
Me: I’m sorry. I just sold the last one I had.
Customer: When’s your next delivery?
Me: It won’t be until before Christmas.
Customer: That’s shitty. The world doesn’t stop because there’s a holiday.
Customer: (on phone)Do you guys have any mussels?
Me: Yeah I sure do.
Customer: Cool what size bag and how much?
Me: 2lbs and they are 5.99 right now.
Customer: how many come in a bag
Me: About 20-25 ish
Customer: YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL YER TALKIN’ ABOUT!!
*click*
Customer: No more hams?
Me: No more hams.
Customer: Whole hams?
Me: No.
Customer: Half hams?
Me: No
Customer: Spiral?
Me: No
Customer: ... Half hams?
Customer: Got any more turkeys?
Me: No, ma'am.
Customer: DON'T YOU LIE TO ME!!
(Phone rings)
Me: Good morning. Meat department. How may I help you?
Customer : Just calling to see if you're open.
Me: Yes sir. The store closes at 2.
Customer: Closing at 2? That's fucking ridiculous! You're store is open 24 hours a day!
Me: We have amended hours on holidays.
Customer: Bullshit! I can't get there until 4. Someone will have to let me in.
Me: there won't really be anyone here past 2:30.
Customer: Fuck that! Happy Thanksgiving! (Slams phone down)