Any fresher and it would be grazing
Customer: Do you have any veal chops?
Me: Some just came in on my truck like 5 minutes ago. Let me see if I can find it.
Me: (opening a new box) Here you go!
Customer: How fresh is it?
Grass Fed
Customer: (holding a package of clearly labeled plant-based meatballs) What type of meat is this? Like is it beef?
Me: No, ma’am. It’s plant based.
Customer: ...so like grass?
Which one?
Customer: Is it possible for me to get some of the bacon you keep in the case?
Me: Sure thing!
Customer: It’s the hickory smoked.
Me: I’ve got it here.
Customer: The one that’s cut about this thick.
Me: How much do you need?
Customer: It’s like $4.99 a lb.
Me: Yep. I’ve got it.
Customer: There’s the sign for it.
Me: Yes. How much?
Customer: It’s hickory smoked.
Fucking liverwurst
Customer: Where’s the Boar’s Head liverwurst?
Me: I don’t actually carry that over here. They may have it in the deli.
Customer: Then why the fuck did they send me over here?!
Me: I’m sorry sir I...
Customer: Fuck you! Piece of shit!
Me: I... Customer: I ought to beat your fucking ass, mother fucker. Have a fucking wonderful day! Don’t fucking talk to me!
You Played Yourself
Customer: Where’s your leg quarters?
Me: I'm sorry. I don't have any right now. They’re not coming in consistently yet.
Customer: That’s bullshit! I want to talk to a manager!
(I call one)
Manager: Didn’t I tell you not to come back after I caught you stealing last week? Get out or I'm calling the cops.
(He runs away)
A horse is a horse of course Of course
Customer: I’m making a German dish. Which of these cuts is closest to horse meat?
Misleading
Customer: One of those seasoned ribeyes.
Me: Here you go!
Customer: Wait. Those are supposed to be $10.99!
Me: The plain ones are $10.99. The seasoned ones are $11.99.
Customer: That’s not what the sign says.
Me: The sign you’re pointing to is in front of the plain ones.
Customer: Your signs are misleading!
Shifty
Customer: (on phone) I used the Shift app yesterday and I’m not happy with the product I got. The ribeye was not at thick as I like, the asparagus could have been fresher, and they brought the wrong type of shrimp.
Me: I’m sorry ma’am. We can cut to whatever thickness you like-
Customer: That’s not good enough!! Shift brought me the wrong stuff! It’s unacceptable!
Me: Again, I apologize, but the people that shop for Shift aren’t store employees. There isn’t much I can do.
Customer: I want your corporate number. Me: Sure. Hold on.
Mix up
Customer: You get any of the meatloaf mix in?
Me: No, sir. I’m sorry.
Customer: Are you sure they’re remembering to order it?
Me: We’re ordering it every truck, but our supply line isn’t back to 100% yet.
Customer: Why not? What’s going on?
Sausage Fest
Customer: Which sausage is the kind you use for breakfast? The Italian sausage? Or breakfast sausage?
Shoot yourself In The Foot
(The store has been opening an hour early so that senior citizens can shop.)
Customer: Why don’t you have any chickens?!
Me: My truck isn’t here yet.
Customer: You should get your trucks early!
Me: They used to come in at 5am, but the neighborhood complained about hearing the trucks. They threatened to stop shopping if we didn’t change it. Now they can’t come in before 8.
Customer: ….I remember voting in favor of that..
6-8
Customer: I want two 6oz sirloin fillets.
Me: I’ll have to cut them. Give me like five minutes.
(Later)
Me: Here are your fillets.
Customer: Are those 8oz?
Me: I thought you said 6oz.
Customer: Those are too small.
Me: I can cut them. Give me five more minutes.
Customer: (sigh) I guess.
What happened
Customer: (Not looking at me or the counter) I want some chicken breasts.
Me: I’m sorry, but I’m all out.
Customer: (Still not looking at me or the counter) I’ll take two.
Me: I’m sorry. I don’t have any.
Customer: What?! What’s going on?!
Did you hear
Customer: Where’s your split chicken breasts?
Me: I’m all out. We’re only getting in about half of what we ordered and people are buying it up quickly.
Customer: That’s shitty! Don’t know if you heard, but there’s an outbreak going on! (He storms away)
Going Down
Customer: One of those ribeyes.
Me: Here you go.
Customer: Your case go down?
Me: Um...no.
Customer: Well, there’s nothing in this case and the light is off. I figured either you are having trouble with the case or you guys are slacking off.
Me: Well, we don’t open for another two hours. I’m setting up now. The ribeyes are the first thing I cut.
Customer: Ah. I see.
The grass is greener
Customer: Any of this fish grass fed?
Me: Um...no.
Customer: What about the chicken?
Me: Chicken don’t eat grass. I’ve got some grass fed beef.
Customer: That’ll work.
Halfway there
Customer: I want that large ribeye in the front. Can you cut it in half?
Me: Yes, ma’am!
Customer: Do you understand what I mean when I say “cut in half?”
Me: Um...yes, ma’am.
Customer: In. Half.
Going Viral
Customer: Don’t see any lamb out here.
Me: I’m sorry. We’re switching suppliers, so we’re having a hard time getting it in right now.
Customer: Bet it’s because of all that. Nonsense in China. Coronavirus stuff.
Me: I mean...all our lamb is domestic.
Customer: Freaking China...
Hell in a Hand basket
Customer: Where’s your lamb chops?
Me: I’m sorry. We’re currently switching to a new supplier, so we haven’t been able to get any in for a few days. It should be back to normal in a couple of days.
Customer: This country is going to hell!
Choose your own adventure
Customer: I want steaks.
Me: Sure. What kind?
Customer: Angus.
Me: Everything in this case is angus beef. Which kind of steak did you want?
Customer: USDA Choice.
Me: All of this is choice. I meant did you want a ribeye? Or a strip? Or a fillet?
Customer: I want a steak.