A horse is a horse of course Of course
Customer: I’m making a German dish. Which of these cuts is closest to horse meat?
You’ve got a phone call
Customer: (talking on cellphone) They’ve got salmon. Do you want some? (To me) One pound of salmon.
Me: Farm raised or wild caught?
Customer: (To phone) They’ve got two kinds. What kind do you want? I don’t know....I don’t know. (To me) Here, talk to her.
Me: With everything going on, I’m not comfortable touching your phone.
Customer: Don’t be such a baby! Take the goddamned phone!
Me: I’m sorry. I’m not going to do that.
Customer: I’m the goddamned customer. You do what I say!
Me: I’d be more than happy to explain the difference between the salmon..
Customer: Fuck you! I’m getting a manager!
Stay Home
Me: How can I help you?
Customer: I don’t need anything. I was bored and wanted to get out of the house.
Heart Shaped Box Beef
Customer: Whats that?!
Me: A ribeye butterflied into the shape of a heart.
Customer: That’s disturbing.
Ooh Baby Baby
Customer: Disgusting!
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: You sell baby scallops! That’s cruel! So many babies harvested! Gross.
Me: Sir, those are bay scallops. They’re smaller than sea scallops. That’s as big as they get.
Customer: Oh.
(Seconds later)
Customer: Disgusting! You sell veal...
Closing Time
“Attention shoppers: we will be closing in 30 minutes.”
Customer: Why are you closing?
Me: We only stay open until 2 on Thanksgiving.
Customer: I’m not American. I don’t give a fuck about this holiday. I’m taking my time, they can try and throw me out.
Pork Roll
Customer: Do you have sushi grade pork?
Me: What....you can’t eat pork like...what are you trying to make?
Customer: (Eye roll) Sushi, like I said.
Free Samples
Customer: I bought those shrimp two days ago and they tasted funny. Can I try one before I buy them again?
Me: I’m sorry. I can’t let you try them. They’re raw. I can’t sample uncooked product.
Customer: They’re not cooked?
Me: No, sir.
Customer:...well, that explains why they tasted funny.
Hold The Blood
Customer: Can you cut me a sirloin tip, and not dip it in blood?
Me: I’m sorry, what?
Customer: I want a sirloin tip, but with no blood. So please don’t dip it in the blood you normally use.
Me: We don’t dip anything in blood.
Customer: So why does it have blood in it?
Bloody Hell
Customer: Is there blood in pork?
Me: Oh, is that pack leaking? Let me fix that for you!
Customer: It’s not leaking. But is there blood inside it?
Me: Um...I mean, all meat has blood in it.
Customer: (throwing down pack.) Gross! I’m getting hamburger.
Aged Fish
Customer: I bought some tilapia on July 10. Is it still good?
(Customer looks to the left and right, and doesn’t see me standing behind him.)
(Customer lifts shirt, and drops a tenderloin steak into his pants. )
Me: Um…excuse me.
Customer: Aww man! You saw that?
Me: Yes. I did.
(He pulls the steak out of his pants and tries to hand it to me. )
Me: I don’t want to touch that!
Customer: It’s okay. It didn’t touch anything. I have a real small penis.
The Tenderloin of Christmas Past
Coworker: This customer brought this tenderloin back for us to trim.
Me: We’re really not supposed to do that once it’s left the store.
Coworker: I already told her yes.
Me: Okay.
(I open the tenderloin and start trying to trim it. It starts disintegrating in my hands; practically turning into water)
(I look at the date on the wrapper. I can barely make out 1/12)
Me: Um....there’s something wrong with your tenderloin.
Customer: I bought it here!
Me: When did you buy it?
Customer: Last January.
Me: So like a year ago?!?!
Customer: I put in the freezer. I took it out three weeks ago to thaw out.
Me: Ma’am, you can’t serve this tenderloin. You’ll make someone sick.
Customer: But it’s Christmas!
That’s Weirdly Specific
Customer : Can you cut up this sirloin for me?
Me: Absolutely. How big do you want it?
Customer: Can you cut out to the size of cat food?
Me: ......yes. Yes I can.
Do You Eat Meat?
Customer: I don’t eat meat.
(I wait for her to finish what she was saying. She stops talking and looks at me)
Me: Okay. Is there something I can help you with?
Customer: I need to get a steak for my husband. I don’t eat meat.
Me: Sure. Do you know what kind of steak he likes.
Customer: He said he likes fillets. I don’t eat meat.
Me: Okay. I’ve got sirloin fillets and tenderloin fillets. Probably....
Customer: I don’t eat meat.
Me: Both are good steaks. The tenderloin is going to be better. It’s kinda the top level for steaks.
Customer: I don’t eat meat.
Me: Let’s go with the tenderloin fillet.
(I wrap up the steak. She holds it with two fingers, like it’s a dirty diaper.)
(She starts to walk away with a look of disgust on her face. She stops, and turns back to me)
Customer: I don’t eat meat.
All Gown Up
CUSTOMER: (holding a package of ground veal) Is this pork?
ME: It's veal.
CUSTOMER: So.....lamb?
ME: Um...no. It's calf.
(Blank stare from the Customer)
ME: It's....ah....very young cow.
CUSTOMER: So like a baby.....cow?!
ME: Basically.
(She gives me a look of disgust and throws the veal down)
CUSTOMER: How can you be part of an industry that would do that to a baby?! I’ll just take ground beef.
Refrigerate After Opening
Customer: I bought a turkey a couple of days ago. I'm looking at your thermometer it says like 33. Does it have to stay at that temp?
Me: My cases run really cold. You don't have to do that; you just need to keep it refrigerated.
Customer: Crap. Really?
Me: Um....yes. It needs to be kept under refrigeration.
Customer: I've just had it sitting on my kitchen table.
Me: For two days!?
Customer: I put it in a freezer bag.
Quite A Tail
Customer: I just want you to know, that lobster tail I bought from you was the toughest thing I’ve ever eaten!
Me: How did you cook it?
Customer: Cook it?
Me: Um....yeah. They’re not cooked. They’re raw.
(Long pause)
Customer: ….Oh Lord Jesus, what did I do?
(She just walks away.)
Marrow Removal Service
Customer: Why do you take the marrow out of your pork chops?! I can’t believe you do that!!
Me: Marrow? We don’t take the marrow out. That’s almost impossible to do.
Customer: Yes you do. When I get pork chops from Bi Lo they have the marrow in them. I buy them here, no marrow.
Me: I promise you, we don’t remove any marrow.
Customer: (pointing to the chop) Right here. No marrow!
Me: Um…we remove that, but that’s not bone marrow.
Customer: Then what is it?
Me: Um…the spinal cord.
Customer: (looking disgusted) Am I gonna get sick?