Nuked Bird
Customer: I need to return this Thanksgiving meal.
Me: Those are actually from the deli on the other side of the store. Was there something wrong with it?
Customer: I couldn’t fit the whole turkey in the microwave.
Explosive Holiday
Customer: Why can't I cook the turkey while is frozen?
Me: Well, if you cook it in the oven, it will come out undercooked and you could get sick.
Customer:I was gonna fry it.
Me: Oh. In that case, you run the risk of it exploding.
Customer: Ah. I see. Would you put this turkey back for me?
Sell! sell!
Customer: (on phone) I bought a 12lb turkey, but now there are more people coming over. I’ll need a bigger turkey.
Me: Okay. I’ve got a few.
Customer: I don’t want to cook two turkeys. I’ll be returning the other turkey so you can resell it.
Me: I can’t resell it. If you return it, I have to throw it away.
Customer: Oh well. I’m returning it anyway. I don’t want to cook two turkeys.
Brand Loyalty
Customer: Is this “Argentina Pink Shrimp” cooked?
Me: No ma’am. It’s naturally that red color.
Customer: I’ll take a pound.
(I give it to her)
Customer: This is local?
Me: Um...no...it’s from Argentina.
Customer: I thought that was a brand name. Never mind, I don’t want it.
To Bacon, or Not To Bacon
(The department has been closed for 30 minutes. I’m cleaning up before I leave)
Customer: Hey man. Where’s the good bacon?!
Me: It’s in the back, I pulled it after I closed. I have hickory smoked and maple chipotle. Which kind did you want?
Customer: Chipotle. Half a pound.
(I go into the back, unwrap the pan, get him half a pound, rewrap the pan.)
(5 mins later, he comes back)
Customer: (handing me the bacon) I don’t want the bacon.
Me: Okay.
(Ten minutes later, he comes back)
Customer: Can I get half a pound of the hickory bacon?
(Customer looks to the left and right, and doesn’t see me standing behind him.)
(Customer lifts shirt, and drops a tenderloin steak into his pants. )
Me: Um…excuse me.
Customer: Aww man! You saw that?
Me: Yes. I did.
(He pulls the steak out of his pants and tries to hand it to me. )
Me: I don’t want to touch that!
Customer: It’s okay. It didn’t touch anything. I have a real small penis.
Easy Come Easy Go
Customer: One pound of crab legs.
Me: Yes sir. (I start to sort through the crab legs for good looking ones)
Customer: Not that one. I want that one in front.
Me: (reaching towards the front) I can’t really see in the counter. This one?
Customer: NO! The front one. Damn.
(I get the crab legs priced. He takes them and throws a bill on the counter.)
Customer: Thanks.
(I pick up the HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL he left me.)
(He runs back over.)
Customer: Give that back!
(I hand him the hundred. He hands me a one dollar bill.)
Me: Have a nice day.
Wash Day
Customer (on phone): I bought a steak today. I took it home and washed it, but the blood won’t come out.
Me: I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.
Customer: It’s still red. No matter what I do. I don’t want it.
Me: I’m sorry. When you come back in the store, we can give you your money back, or give you a new steak, whatever you want!
Customer: Whatever, Asshole!
(They slam the phone down)
Got To Hand It To You
Customer: I’d like a half a pound of shrimp. Pick me out some nice ones.
(I take a few seconds and grab what, to me, looks like the biggest shrimp)
Me: Here ya go!
Customer: I asked you to hand pick them and you didn’t.
Me: I grabbed the biggest...
(he throws the bag back. It lands on the floor beside me)
Customer: I don’t want them.
Oven Ready
Customer: I want to return this frozen turkey. I was told it was ready to cook.
Me: You don’t have to do anything. It is ready to cook.
Customer: I took it out of the freezer and put it in the oven. It came out like this.
Me: Well, you have to thaw it.
Customer: That’s not oven ready.
(I look at the turkey. It’s covered in partially burned paper and melted netting. )
Me: Um....you have to take it out of the packaging before you cook it.
Customer: That’s not oven ready.
Reading Is Fundamental
Customer: (dropping a bag of half eaten steaks inside a plastic bag on the counter) These were the toughest fillet mignons I’ve ever eaten. You must have cut them wrong.
Me: (Looking at them) They’re not fillets. These are eye of round steaks.
Customer: I don’t know the difference. You idiots should have labeled them better.
Me: (Looking at the label that clearly says “eye of round steaks.”) Yes sir. Sorry about that.
It’s A Long Story
(The Phone rings)
Me: Meat department. How may I help you?
Customer: I was in the store yesterday with my nephew. Last week I got some of those snow crab legs. They were so good. I ate them when my sister was over. She was so mad that I wouldn’t give her any, but they were mine! So I was in there yesterday with my nephew. I thought I’d sure like some more of those snow crab. So I had the guy behind the counter bag me up three pounds. Then I thought I should get some more. So I had him throw a few more in. I went home and cooked them. I had some rice with them. It was some of that wild rice. I thought it would match up with the snow crab. Sometimes I do potatoes with crab, but I really wanted rice. The crab turned out so dry.
Me: I’m sorry—
Customer: Now I know how to cook crab. I’ve been cooking crab since I was a kid. My mother taught me how, I used to help her when I was younger. She’d bring home crab and say, “It’s time to cook up some crab!”, and I’d help her. This crab was so dry. I have never had crab that was this dry.
Me: I’m sorry that—
Customer: It was so dry. I want you to know that I cooked it just like I alway do. I didn’t change anything, except for the rice, like I told you. I used some old bay and some lemon like I always do. They were dry. I like crab, but this was dry. The rice was good, but the crab was dry.
Me: (waiting a second to see if she was done) I’m sorry that happened.
Customer : What can you do to take care of me?
Me: I can’t do anything over the phone, but if you want to come in, we can give you a refund or some more crab for free.
Customer: Normally, I’d take the crab, but it was so dry. I think I’ll wait a little bit before I get anymore. A refund would work. I could buy something else. I was thinking of getting a roast. I could use that money for that. I like a good roast and the weather is perfect for it.
Me: Great. Well, come on in; we’ll take good care of you.
Customer: This is the store in Summerville?
Me: No, ma’am. This is the store downtown.
Customer: Whoops! Never mind!
The Tenderloin of Christmas Past
Coworker: This customer brought this tenderloin back for us to trim.
Me: We’re really not supposed to do that once it’s left the store.
Coworker: I already told her yes.
Me: Okay.
(I open the tenderloin and start trying to trim it. It starts disintegrating in my hands; practically turning into water)
(I look at the date on the wrapper. I can barely make out 1/12)
Me: Um....there’s something wrong with your tenderloin.
Customer: I bought it here!
Me: When did you buy it?
Customer: Last January.
Me: So like a year ago?!?!
Customer: I put in the freezer. I took it out three weeks ago to thaw out.
Me: Ma’am, you can’t serve this tenderloin. You’ll make someone sick.
Customer: But it’s Christmas!
I’m Thankful For Pans
(A customer slams a half wrapped turkey hanging out of a pan on the counter)
Customer: The turkey you sold me is to big to fit in my fucking pan!
Me: I'm sorry ma'am. What size did you ask for?
Customer: I don't know!
(I look it up in our order book)
Me: Ma'am, you ordered a 14lb turkey. This one is only 12 3/4. I'm really sorry.
Customer: Fuck your sorry. What are you going to do about it.
Me: I've only got one turkey left. It was from an order that someone didn't pick up. Problem is it's a 20lb turkey.
Customer: Well that's not going to fit in my pan.
Me: We do sell those foil disposable pans.
Customer: I don't do disposable pans. Happy Fucking Thanksgiving !
(She storms off)
Tenderness
Customer: Is this whole eye of round going to be real tender when I grill it?
Me: Well, eye rounds aren’t known to be tender. It’s better suited for roasting.
Customer: So it’s not tender?
Me: Not really. I....
Customer: Well, it’s tender enough for me!
(She turns and walks away)
(Two hours later, the customer service clerk comes back with something in a bag.)
Customer Service Clerk: A customer brought this back. They said it was tough.
(I look in the bag. It’s a grilled, partially eaten eye of round)