You’ve got a phone call

Customer: (talking on cellphone) They’ve got salmon. Do you want some? (To me) One pound of salmon.

Me: Farm raised or wild caught?

Customer: (To phone) They’ve got two kinds. What kind do you want? I don’t know....I don’t know. (To me) Here, talk to her.

Me: With everything going on, I’m not comfortable touching your phone.

Customer: Don’t be such a baby! Take the goddamned phone!

Me: I’m sorry. I’m not going to do that.

Customer: I’m the goddamned customer. You do what I say!

Me: I’d be more than happy to explain the difference between the salmon..

Customer: Fuck you! I’m getting a manager!

Shifty

Customer: (on phone) I used the Shift app yesterday and I’m not happy with the product I got. The ribeye was not at thick as I like, the asparagus could have been fresher, and they brought the wrong type of shrimp.

Me: I’m sorry ma’am. We can cut to whatever thickness you like-

Customer: That’s not good enough!! Shift brought me the wrong stuff! It’s unacceptable!

Me: Again, I apologize, but the people that shop for Shift aren’t store employees. There isn’t much I can do.

Customer: I want your corporate number. Me: Sure. Hold on.

Price Check

Customer: (on phone) What type of shrimp do you have today?

Me: I’ve got some shrimp from Georgia for $12.99–

Customer: Let’s get one thing clear. I don’t care about the price. I want to know the type of shrimp.

Me: Okay. I’ve got shrimp from Georgia, Argentina, and Indonesia.

Customer: I’ll be sending my wife for the Georgia ones. Goodbye.

(The phone rings 4 minutes later)

Customer: I just called about the shrimp. How much is the Georgia shrimp?

Me: $12.99.

Time Keeps On Slipping

(Phone rings)

Me: Good morning. Meat department. How may I help you?

Customer : Just calling to see if you're open.

Me: Yes sir. The store closes at 2.

Customer: Closing at 2? That's fucking ridiculous! You're store is open 24 hours a day!

Me: We have amended hours on holidays. 

Customer: Bullshit! I can't get there until 4. Someone will have to let me in.

Me: there won't really be anyone here past 2:30.

Customer: Fuck that! Happy Thanksgiving! (Slams phone down)

Sell! sell!

Customer: (on phone) I bought a 12lb turkey, but now there are more people coming over. I’ll need a bigger turkey. 

Me: Okay. I’ve got a few. 

Customer: I don’t want to cook two turkeys. I’ll be returning the other turkey so you can resell it. 

Me: I can’t resell it. If you return it, I have to throw it away.

Customer: Oh well. I’m returning it anyway. I don’t want to cook two turkeys. 

Wash Day

Customer (on phone): I bought a steak today. I took it home and washed it, but the blood won’t come out.  

Me: I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.  

Customer: It’s still red. No matter what I do. I don’t want it.  

Me: I’m sorry. When you come back in the store, we can give you your money back, or give you a new steak, whatever you want!  

Customer: Whatever, Asshole!  

(They slam the phone down)  

It’s A Long Story

(The Phone rings)  

Me: Meat department. How may I help you?  

Customer: I was in the store yesterday with my nephew. Last week I got some of those snow crab legs. They were so good. I ate them when my sister was over. She was so mad that I wouldn’t give her any, but they were mine! So I was in there yesterday with my nephew. I thought I’d sure like some more of those snow crab. So I had the guy behind the counter bag me up three pounds. Then I thought I should get some more. So I had him throw a few more in. I went home and cooked them. I had some rice with them. It was some of that wild rice. I thought it would match up with the snow crab. Sometimes I do potatoes with crab, but I really wanted rice. The crab turned out so dry.  

Me: I’m sorry—

Customer: Now I know how to cook crab. I’ve been cooking crab since I was a kid. My mother taught me how, I used to help her when I was younger. She’d bring home crab and say, “It’s time to cook up some crab!”, and I’d help her. This crab was so dry. I have never had crab that was this dry.  

Me: I’m sorry that— 

Customer: It was so dry. I want you to know that I cooked it just like I alway do. I didn’t change anything, except for the rice, like I told you. I used some old bay and some lemon like I always do. They were dry. I like crab, but this was dry. The rice was good, but the crab was dry. 

Me: (waiting a second to see if she was done) I’m sorry that happened.  

Customer : What can you do to take care of me? 

Me: I can’t do anything over the phone, but if you want to come in, we can give you a refund or some more crab for free.  

Customer: Normally, I’d take the crab, but it was so dry. I think I’ll wait a little bit before I get anymore. A refund would work. I could buy something else. I was thinking of getting a roast. I could use that money for that. I like a good roast and the weather is perfect for it.  

Me: Great. Well, come on in; we’ll take good care of you.  

Customer: This is the store in Summerville?  

Me: No, ma’am. This is the store downtown.  

Customer: Whoops! Never mind!  

 

Annie, Are You Okay

Customer: (on phone) So if you could hold that turkey for me, I’ll be in the store in a few hours. 

Me: Sure thing, ma’am. I just need your name.  

Customer: It’s Annie.  Spelled A-N-N-I-E

Me: I’ll have it waiting for you.  

Customer: Great. The name is Annie.  

Me: Got it. That’s actually my niece’s name- 

Customer: A-N-N-I-E

Me: I’ll see you when you get here. 

Customer: Make sure you hold it in the back. Name’s Annie. A-N-N-I-E 

Where The Roasts Have No Names

Customer: I’m here to pick up a rib roast for Hoffman.

(I go to the back, but I don’t see a roast for Hoffman. I check our order book, there isn’t even an order for Hoffman. )

Me: I’m sorry. It looks like they didn’t write it down. I’ve got plenty, and they’re real quick to cut. Just give me like 5 mins. How big did you want?

Customer: Unbelievable! I don’t know how much we need. My daughter made the order! Hold on!

(He pulls out his phone and dials. )

Customer: (loud enough for me to hear) Yeah, honey? These MORONS didn’t save a roast for us. How big did we need? (To me)She says she spoke to Trevor.

Me: I’m sorry. I didn’t see an order for Hoffman.

Customer: Thy don’t even have an order for Hoffman......oh.....I didn’t.....(to me) It’s under her name; McClure.

(I go into the back and give him the roast we had saved for McClure. )

Customer:  Um....thanks. Merry Christmas.

Me: Merry Christmas.

Turkey Class

Customer: (On phone) I need to get a cooked turkey to take to a kid’s class.

Me: I don’t really have cooked turkey. Other than lunch meat.

Customer: I don’t want lunch meat! I need it for a children’s classroom.

Me: Everything I have is raw. The deli might....

Customer: I already spoke to the deli. They only have turkey breasts. I need a whole cooked turkey. For a class.

Me: I don’t really have anything like that. I’m sorry....

Customer: You just ruined a bunch of kids’ day! (She hangs up)

Stake Out

 (The phone rings)

Me: Meat Department. How may I help you?

Customer: Hi. Did you serve an older man in his early 50s with salt and pepper hair? He would have been buying a couple of steaks?

Me: Um....I’m not sure. We’ve served a bunch of customers today.

Customer: I’m in there all the time with my husband. He’s real tall and good looking. I’ve got short brown hair. Did you serve him?

Me: I mean, it’s possible. Was there a problem with the steaks?

Customer: No. I’m out of town. I think my husband is cheating on me. That’s why I wanted to know how many steaks he bought. It’s just him this week, he shouldn’t be buying two. Can you guys check the transactions?

Me: That’s not really something we can do. I’m sorry.

Customer: Next time I come in, I’ll introduce myself so you can keep an eye out.