Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: Where’s your leg quarters?
Me: I'm sorry. I don't have any right now. They’re not coming in consistently yet.
Customer: That’s bullshit! I want to talk to a manager!
(I call one)
Manager: Didn’t I tell you not to come back after I caught you stealing last week? Get out or I'm calling the cops.
(He runs away)
(The store has been opening an hour early so that senior citizens can shop.)
Customer: Why don’t you have any chickens?!
Me: My truck isn’t here yet.
Customer: You should get your trucks early!
Me: They used to come in at 5am, but the neighborhood complained about hearing the trucks. They threatened to stop shopping if we didn’t change it. Now they can’t come in before 8.
Customer: ….I remember voting in favor of that..
Not everyone is mean:
Customer: Thank you for working.
Customer: I know this has been tough on you. Thank you for coming into work.
Customer: I appreciate everything you guys have done since this started.
Customer: Think of all the families you’re feeding. Thank you for working so hard.
Customer: You’re keeping the world together. You’re as vital as doctors and firefighters. Thank you.
Customer: I want a pound of scallops.
Me: Sure thing.
Customer: Wait! They’re $8.99 a pound. That’s $9.02
Me: It’s a little over a pound. I can take one out if you want.
Customer: Do that! And don’t give me any attitude. I understand customer service! I own a buisness downtown!
Other Customer: Can’t be that successful of a business if three cents will break you.
Customer: (on phone) What type of shrimp do you have today?
Me: I’ve got some shrimp from Georgia for $12.99–
Customer: Let’s get one thing clear. I don’t care about the price. I want to know the type of shrimp.
Me: Okay. I’ve got shrimp from Georgia, Argentina, and Indonesia.
Customer: I’ll be sending my wife for the Georgia ones. Goodbye.
(The phone rings 4 minutes later)
Customer: I just called about the shrimp. How much is the Georgia shrimp?
Me: $12.99.
Customer: This price right on this turkey?
Me: Yes, sir.
Customer: Shit. I was hoping it was wrong. Well, $90 is a bit much to pay to learn to call ahead next time. Oh well, hope organic is worth it.
Me: You’re buying it?!
Customer: I don’t have much of a choice. I waited too long. Happy thanksgiving!
Customer: I don’t need anything. My husband has been stealing steaks from you guys for awhile. I just found out he’s cheating on me. Here’s his Facebook. This is what he looks like. I want you guys to arrest him next time he comes in.
Customer: I guess someone forgot to set their alarm.
Me: What?
Customer: Aww....somebody overslept.
Me: I still don’t understand.
Customer: Where is everything? You just get here?
Me: The department doesn’t open for another 3 hours. We’re setting up now.
Customer: Well.....you should have a sign.
(I point to the sign, that is directly in front of her)
Customer: Could you please get me some salmon out of the back...please.
Customer: I’m here to pick up a rib roast for Hoffman.
(I go to the back, but I don’t see a roast for Hoffman. I check our order book, there isn’t even an order for Hoffman. )
Me: I’m sorry. It looks like they didn’t write it down. I’ve got plenty, and they’re real quick to cut. Just give me like 5 mins. How big did you want?
Customer: Unbelievable! I don’t know how much we need. My daughter made the order! Hold on!
(He pulls out his phone and dials. )
Customer: (loud enough for me to hear) Yeah, honey? These MORONS didn’t save a roast for us. How big did we need? (To me)She says she spoke to Trevor.
Me: I’m sorry. I didn’t see an order for Hoffman.
Customer: Thy don’t even have an order for Hoffman......oh.....I didn’t.....(to me) It’s under her name; McClure.
(I go into the back and give him the roast we had saved for McClure. )
Customer: Um....thanks. Merry Christmas.
Me: Merry Christmas.
Me: Here’s your tenderloin!
Customer: Can I get some more string?
Me: Sure. It is already tied though.
Customer: Yeah, but it tapers off on this side.
Me: Yes, ma’am. All tenderloins do. they’re not an even piece of meat. We tie this part under, so it’s as close to the same size as it can be.
Customer: You might need more practice. I asked this man (points to other customer) he said one side is bigger.
Customer 2: I....well....it is.....but that’s how they come.
Customer: Well, what do you guys know?
Customer 2: I’m a chef; he’s a butcher.
Customer: (rolls her eyes and walks away)
Customer: Do you have any bigger turkeys?
Me: No, sir. That’s all I have.
(A few minutes later)
Customer: I screwed that up. I’m supposed to pick up a turkey we ordered.
Me: Sure. What’s the name?
Customer: Johnson.
(I go look in the back. I don’t see a Turkey for Johnson. I look at the order book; still no order for Johnson.)
Me: (fully ready to get yelled at) Um....I don’t see your name in the orders. Do you know who you spoke to?
Customer: (creepy smile) I was hoping that was a common enough name that there would be one in the back.
Me: So you didn’t order a turkey?
Customer: (bigger smile) Happy Thanksgiving.
(The phone rings)
Me: Meat Department. How may I help you?
Customer: Hi. Did you serve an older man in his early 50s with salt and pepper hair? He would have been buying a couple of steaks?
Me: Um....I’m not sure. We’ve served a bunch of customers today.
Customer: I’m in there all the time with my husband. He’s real tall and good looking. I’ve got short brown hair. Did you serve him?
Me: I mean, it’s possible. Was there a problem with the steaks?
Customer: No. I’m out of town. I think my husband is cheating on me. That’s why I wanted to know how many steaks he bought. It’s just him this week, he shouldn’t be buying two. Can you guys check the transactions?
Me: That’s not really something we can do. I’m sorry.
Customer: Next time I come in, I’ll introduce myself so you can keep an eye out.
Customer: I want a pound of shrimp!
Me: Yes, sir.
Customer: And hurry up! I'm not one of those housewives with all the time in the world.
Me: Um...yes, sir.
(meanwhile this tiny older woman walked up behind him)
Woman: Excuse me?!?! I have all the time in the world?!?!? Let me tell you about my day! I have to wake up at five to make sure my boys get up for school...
(I keep getting his shrimp, while he stands there not making eye contact with her. It is VERY CLEAR he is uncomfortable.)
Woman: ...then I have to run my errands. I went to the dry cleaner cause my husband needs a suit for a wedding cleaned...
Me: Here's your shrimp.
(He takes it and walks away. The woman follows behind him, continuing to yell at him.)
Woman: I'm at the store because its my turn to cook dinner for a family at our church who just suffered a loss. Then I have to....
(A little while later, I walk up front to by a drink on my break. At the register is the Customer...and the woman. He is turning red and is still silent.)
Woman: I have to make dinner tonight! Ain't nobody gonna help me! So you listen to me..
(She kept going, but I went back to my department with my water.)