Crab legs to you too
Me: Good morning, ma’am! How are you doing today?
Customer: CRAB LEGS!!!
Fucking liverwurst
Customer: Where’s the Boar’s Head liverwurst?
Me: I don’t actually carry that over here. They may have it in the deli.
Customer: Then why the fuck did they send me over here?!
Me: I’m sorry sir I...
Customer: Fuck you! Piece of shit!
Me: I... Customer: I ought to beat your fucking ass, mother fucker. Have a fucking wonderful day! Don’t fucking talk to me!
Misleading
Customer: One of those seasoned ribeyes.
Me: Here you go!
Customer: Wait. Those are supposed to be $10.99!
Me: The plain ones are $10.99. The seasoned ones are $11.99.
Customer: That’s not what the sign says.
Me: The sign you’re pointing to is in front of the plain ones.
Customer: Your signs are misleading!
You’ve got a phone call
Customer: (talking on cellphone) They’ve got salmon. Do you want some? (To me) One pound of salmon.
Me: Farm raised or wild caught?
Customer: (To phone) They’ve got two kinds. What kind do you want? I don’t know....I don’t know. (To me) Here, talk to her.
Me: With everything going on, I’m not comfortable touching your phone.
Customer: Don’t be such a baby! Take the goddamned phone!
Me: I’m sorry. I’m not going to do that.
Customer: I’m the goddamned customer. You do what I say!
Me: I’d be more than happy to explain the difference between the salmon..
Customer: Fuck you! I’m getting a manager!
Shifty
Customer: (on phone) I used the Shift app yesterday and I’m not happy with the product I got. The ribeye was not at thick as I like, the asparagus could have been fresher, and they brought the wrong type of shrimp.
Me: I’m sorry ma’am. We can cut to whatever thickness you like-
Customer: That’s not good enough!! Shift brought me the wrong stuff! It’s unacceptable!
Me: Again, I apologize, but the people that shop for Shift aren’t store employees. There isn’t much I can do.
Customer: I want your corporate number. Me: Sure. Hold on.
Mix up
Customer: You get any of the meatloaf mix in?
Me: No, sir. I’m sorry.
Customer: Are you sure they’re remembering to order it?
Me: We’re ordering it every truck, but our supply line isn’t back to 100% yet.
Customer: Why not? What’s going on?
Shoot yourself In The Foot
(The store has been opening an hour early so that senior citizens can shop.)
Customer: Why don’t you have any chickens?!
Me: My truck isn’t here yet.
Customer: You should get your trucks early!
Me: They used to come in at 5am, but the neighborhood complained about hearing the trucks. They threatened to stop shopping if we didn’t change it. Now they can’t come in before 8.
Customer: ….I remember voting in favor of that..
6-8
Customer: I want two 6oz sirloin fillets.
Me: I’ll have to cut them. Give me like five minutes.
(Later)
Me: Here are your fillets.
Customer: Are those 8oz?
Me: I thought you said 6oz.
Customer: Those are too small.
Me: I can cut them. Give me five more minutes.
Customer: (sigh) I guess.
Holy guacamole
Customer: Where’s the guacamole?
Me: That’s over in produce.
Customer: They just sent me over here!
Me: I don’t have stuff like that over here. It’s in produce.
Customer: I was just there! The place with all the bread!
Me: That’s the bakery. Produce is the place with the vegetables. Right there.
Customer: Okay.
Sick Truck
Customer: Uh...you sure don’t have much.
Me: I’m sorry, sir. Our orders are getting cut in half. The virus stuff has kinda thrown us out of wack.
Customer: Hmmm...I was under the impression that trucks couldn’t catch that virus. You should have planned better.
Baby Talk
Customer: Is this shrimp fresh?
Me: No, ma’am. It’s been frozen. Customer: I don’t want frozen.
Me: I’m very sorry. That’s all I have.
Customer: Awwww is someone feelwing stwessed out?
Did you hear
Customer: Where’s your split chicken breasts?
Me: I’m all out. We’re only getting in about half of what we ordered and people are buying it up quickly.
Customer: That’s shitty! Don’t know if you heard, but there’s an outbreak going on! (He storms away)
Cut! Cut!
Customer: I want you to cut me two 5oz ribeyes.
Me: I’ve got a couple of orders ahead of you. There are a few about that size out here in the case.
Customer: If I wanted the ones out there, I’d be out there!! I’m at the counter because I want you to cut them!
Panic Shopping
(I’m frantically restocking as people are buying everything they can get their hands on)
(A customer walks to the counter. I’m two feet to her left. She doesn’t wait for anyone to acknowledge her. She immediately yells.)
Customer: ANYBODY ACTUALLY WORKING BACK HERE TODAY?!?!
Going Down
Customer: One of those ribeyes.
Me: Here you go.
Customer: Your case go down?
Me: Um...no.
Customer: Well, there’s nothing in this case and the light is off. I figured either you are having trouble with the case or you guys are slacking off.
Me: Well, we don’t open for another two hours. I’m setting up now. The ribeyes are the first thing I cut.
Customer: Ah. I see.
Advice
(I walk into the department. I’m the first one in, and I haven’t even put on an apron yet)
Customer: Fish?
(I drag out the stuff pulled last night)
Customer: I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but this might be easier if you had the fish out.
Me: We don’t open for four hours. I’m the first person in today.
Customer: See if it was out, you wouldn’t have to hunt for it
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Customer: I want a pound of scallops.
Me: Sure thing.
Customer: Wait! They’re $8.99 a pound. That’s $9.02
Me: It’s a little over a pound. I can take one out if you want.
Customer: Do that! And don’t give me any attitude. I understand customer service! I own a buisness downtown!
Other Customer: Can’t be that successful of a business if three cents will break you.
Angus Boneless
Customer: We’ll take two of the “Angus Boneless.”
Me: Which kind would you like?
Customer: The “Angus Boneless.”
Me: Yes, but the Strip steaks? The ribeyes? The tenderloin?
Customer: THE “ANGUS BONELESS!” I’m reading your sign!
Me: Yes, ma’am. The first line of every sign is “Angus Boneless” the line below that is the type of steak.
Customer: “ANGUS BONELESS!!”
Tone Change
Customer: I want a ribeye!
Me: Did you want...
Customer: (hands on hip) DON’T you DARE tell me you DON’T have them!! I’m SICK of this “we ran out on thanksgiving” BULLSHIT!!
Me: Um...I was asking if you wants bone in or boneless.
Customer: (huge smile, sweet voice) Boneless. Thank you so much! I appreciate you!
Closing Time
“Attention shoppers: we will be closing in 30 minutes.”
Customer: Why are you closing?
Me: We only stay open until 2 on Thanksgiving.
Customer: I’m not American. I don’t give a fuck about this holiday. I’m taking my time, they can try and throw me out.