Any fresher and it would be grazing
Customer: Do you have any veal chops?
Me: Some just came in on my truck like 5 minutes ago. Let me see if I can find it.
Me: (opening a new box) Here you go!
Customer: How fresh is it?
Grass Fed
Customer: (holding a package of clearly labeled plant-based meatballs) What type of meat is this? Like is it beef?
Me: No, ma’am. It’s plant based.
Customer: ...so like grass?
Clean Tuna
Customer: I want tuna.
Me: Okay.
Customer: These ones could have touched the other fish. I want one from the back.
Me: Okay.
(I bring out a piece.)
Customer: No! That one is already open. I want to see you open it.
Me: Okay.
(I bring out a piece, still in the vacuum pack.)
Customer: No! I want to see you open the box.
Me: Okay.
(I bring out a box, open it, take out a vacuum pack, open it, and hand it to her.)
Customer: Thank you.
Other customer: Gee, I hope nobody mishandled that in the boat, at the packing plant, at the warehouse, or in the truck.
(The first customer looks mortified.)
A horse is a horse of course Of course
Customer: I’m making a German dish. Which of these cuts is closest to horse meat?
Sausage Fest
Customer: Which sausage is the kind you use for breakfast? The Italian sausage? Or breakfast sausage?
Thanks
Not everyone is mean:
Customer: Thank you for working.
Customer: I know this has been tough on you. Thank you for coming into work.
Customer: I appreciate everything you guys have done since this started.
Customer: Think of all the families you’re feeding. Thank you for working so hard.
Customer: You’re keeping the world together. You’re as vital as doctors and firefighters. Thank you.
On a roll
Customer: I’ll trade you a roll of toilet paper for a chuck roast.
For Sale
Customer: (comes to the counter and looks around) You still selling this salmon?
Me: Um...yes.
Customer: Never can tell anymore. You guys don’t have much.
Me: If you see it, I’m selling it.
Customer: I don’t see any chuck roasts.
Me: I’m out.
Customer: Darn.
Cheesy
Customer: Excuse me, what is kwee-soh?
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: (holding up crab queso dip and pointing to the word queso) What is kwee-soh?
Me: Oh queso! It’s like melted Mexican style cheese dip
Customer: (Walking away)Yeah I know what that is!
The grass is greener
Customer: Any of this fish grass fed?
Me: Um...no.
Customer: What about the chicken?
Me: Chicken don’t eat grass. I’ve got some grass fed beef.
Customer: That’ll work.
Say Cheese
Customer: (gesturing at the empty case) What time do you put out the seafood?
Me: The seafood department opens at 10. What did you need? I can get you whatever you wanted.
Customer: I want some cheese.
Me: Um...the deli is on the other side of the store. What did you need from the seafood department?
Customer: (walking away) Just the cheese.
Choose your own adventure
Customer: I want steaks.
Me: Sure. What kind?
Customer: Angus.
Me: Everything in this case is angus beef. Which kind of steak did you want?
Customer: USDA Choice.
Me: All of this is choice. I meant did you want a ribeye? Or a strip? Or a fillet?
Customer: I want a steak.
Heart Shaped Box Beef
Customer: Whats that?!
Me: A ribeye butterflied into the shape of a heart.
Customer: That’s disturbing.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Customer: I want a pound of scallops.
Me: Sure thing.
Customer: Wait! They’re $8.99 a pound. That’s $9.02
Me: It’s a little over a pound. I can take one out if you want.
Customer: Do that! And don’t give me any attitude. I understand customer service! I own a buisness downtown!
Other Customer: Can’t be that successful of a business if three cents will break you.
Ghost Story
(A Customer with her Son walks by)
(A pack of meat falls off the shelf near them.)
Customer: (Laughing) We didn’t knock that down!
Me: I know. It happens all the time. It’s the ghost that lives in the case.
Son: (Starts crying.)
Namaste
Me: Anything else I can get you? Customer: Just your love and guidance. Me: Um...okay...you got it!
Customer: Thank you.
Have A Cookie
Customer: You got any turkeys?
Me: No, sir.
Customer: I’m just kidding. Who waits until today to get a turkey?
Me: You’d be surprised.
Customer: No I wouldn’t. People are dumbasses. Thank you for working today.
Me: No problem.
(A few minutes later he comes back with a tray of cookies from the deli. )
Customer: I needed to get a few things and I decided to buy this too. Here have a cookie. Happy Thanksgiving
Bye Bye Birdy
Customer: This price right on this turkey?
Me: Yes, sir.
Customer: Shit. I was hoping it was wrong. Well, $90 is a bit much to pay to learn to call ahead next time. Oh well, hope organic is worth it.
Me: You’re buying it?!
Customer: I don’t have much of a choice. I waited too long. Happy thanksgiving!
Electric Bird
Customer: I think you’ve mislabeled something out here.
Me: What is it?
Customer: Somebody priced this turkey $92.56. That can’t be right.
Me: That’s the price. Organic stuff is a little more expensive.
Customer: Wow. I wasn’t aware that Tesla made a turkey.
They’re not all bad
Customer: I bought a turkey from another store, when I opened it, it was bad. Do you have one left?
Me: I’ve got one, but it’s big.
Customer: There’s just two of us. (Looking into the market) You’re not cutting any meat today are you?
Me: We don’t really process anything on thanksgiving. What did you want?
Customer: Since I can’t do a turkey, I thought maybe a standing rib roast, but I don’t want you to dirty anything.
Me: I can cut you a roast.
Customer: You really don’t have to.
Me: I’ve got you. Give me 10 minutes.
(I give them the roast)
Customer: Thank you so much! You’ve saved Thanksgiving! Can I do anything for you?
Me: All day, I’ve been told how much I’ve ruined thanksgiving. You saying I saved it is more than enough. Happy Thanksgiving!