Grass Fed
Customer: (holding a package of clearly labeled plant-based meatballs) What type of meat is this? Like is it beef?
Me: No, ma’am. It’s plant based.
Customer: ...so like grass?
Which one?
Customer: Is it possible for me to get some of the bacon you keep in the case?
Me: Sure thing!
Customer: It’s the hickory smoked.
Me: I’ve got it here.
Customer: The one that’s cut about this thick.
Me: How much do you need?
Customer: It’s like $4.99 a lb.
Me: Yep. I’ve got it.
Customer: There’s the sign for it.
Me: Yes. How much?
Customer: It’s hickory smoked.
You Played Yourself
Customer: Where’s your leg quarters?
Me: I'm sorry. I don't have any right now. They’re not coming in consistently yet.
Customer: That’s bullshit! I want to talk to a manager!
(I call one)
Manager: Didn’t I tell you not to come back after I caught you stealing last week? Get out or I'm calling the cops.
(He runs away)
Sausage Fest
Customer: Which sausage is the kind you use for breakfast? The Italian sausage? Or breakfast sausage?
Thanks
Not everyone is mean:
Customer: Thank you for working.
Customer: I know this has been tough on you. Thank you for coming into work.
Customer: I appreciate everything you guys have done since this started.
Customer: Think of all the families you’re feeding. Thank you for working so hard.
Customer: You’re keeping the world together. You’re as vital as doctors and firefighters. Thank you.
On a roll
Customer: I’ll trade you a roll of toilet paper for a chuck roast.
Cheesy
Customer: Excuse me, what is kwee-soh?
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: (holding up crab queso dip and pointing to the word queso) What is kwee-soh?
Me: Oh queso! It’s like melted Mexican style cheese dip
Customer: (Walking away)Yeah I know what that is!
The grass is greener
Customer: Any of this fish grass fed?
Me: Um...no.
Customer: What about the chicken?
Me: Chicken don’t eat grass. I’ve got some grass fed beef.
Customer: That’ll work.
Say Cheese
Customer: (gesturing at the empty case) What time do you put out the seafood?
Me: The seafood department opens at 10. What did you need? I can get you whatever you wanted.
Customer: I want some cheese.
Me: Um...the deli is on the other side of the store. What did you need from the seafood department?
Customer: (walking away) Just the cheese.
Halfway there
Customer: I want that large ribeye in the front. Can you cut it in half?
Me: Yes, ma’am!
Customer: Do you understand what I mean when I say “cut in half?”
Me: Um...yes, ma’am.
Customer: In. Half.
Heart Shaped Box Beef
Customer: Whats that?!
Me: A ribeye butterflied into the shape of a heart.
Customer: That’s disturbing.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Customer: I want a pound of scallops.
Me: Sure thing.
Customer: Wait! They’re $8.99 a pound. That’s $9.02
Me: It’s a little over a pound. I can take one out if you want.
Customer: Do that! And don’t give me any attitude. I understand customer service! I own a buisness downtown!
Other Customer: Can’t be that successful of a business if three cents will break you.
Brand Loyalty
Customer: You got one of those Impossible Whoppers?
Me: I have some plant based burgers here.
Customer: I want an Impossible Whoppers.
Me: That’s available at Burger King. We carry Beyond Meat. It’s the same idea.
Customer: Lame.
Namaste
Me: Anything else I can get you? Customer: Just your love and guidance. Me: Um...okay...you got it!
Customer: Thank you.
Have A Cookie
Customer: You got any turkeys?
Me: No, sir.
Customer: I’m just kidding. Who waits until today to get a turkey?
Me: You’d be surprised.
Customer: No I wouldn’t. People are dumbasses. Thank you for working today.
Me: No problem.
(A few minutes later he comes back with a tray of cookies from the deli. )
Customer: I needed to get a few things and I decided to buy this too. Here have a cookie. Happy Thanksgiving
Bye Bye Birdy
Customer: This price right on this turkey?
Me: Yes, sir.
Customer: Shit. I was hoping it was wrong. Well, $90 is a bit much to pay to learn to call ahead next time. Oh well, hope organic is worth it.
Me: You’re buying it?!
Customer: I don’t have much of a choice. I waited too long. Happy thanksgiving!
Electric Bird
Customer: I think you’ve mislabeled something out here.
Me: What is it?
Customer: Somebody priced this turkey $92.56. That can’t be right.
Me: That’s the price. Organic stuff is a little more expensive.
Customer: Wow. I wasn’t aware that Tesla made a turkey.
They’re not all bad
Customer: I bought a turkey from another store, when I opened it, it was bad. Do you have one left?
Me: I’ve got one, but it’s big.
Customer: There’s just two of us. (Looking into the market) You’re not cutting any meat today are you?
Me: We don’t really process anything on thanksgiving. What did you want?
Customer: Since I can’t do a turkey, I thought maybe a standing rib roast, but I don’t want you to dirty anything.
Me: I can cut you a roast.
Customer: You really don’t have to.
Me: I’ve got you. Give me 10 minutes.
(I give them the roast)
Customer: Thank you so much! You’ve saved Thanksgiving! Can I do anything for you?
Me: All day, I’ve been told how much I’ve ruined thanksgiving. You saying I saved it is more than enough. Happy Thanksgiving!
The Price Of Waiting
Customer: You got any turkeys?
Me: I’ve got a couple organic turkeys left. Just a heads up, they’re really big.
Customer: $92?! Why is it so expensive?
Me: They’re organic.
Customer: Um...you got any synthetic ones?
Okay Google
Little Old Lady: I’m supposed to get a capon. What is a capon?
Me: Well it’s...
Little Old Lady: Never mind. I googled it. It’s a... castrated cock....oh my.
(She blushes and walks away.)