Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: I want two 6oz sirloin fillets.
Me: I’ll have to cut them. Give me like five minutes.
(Later)
Me: Here are your fillets.
Customer: Are those 8oz?
Me: I thought you said 6oz.
Customer: Those are too small.
Me: I can cut them. Give me five more minutes.
Customer: (sigh) I guess.
Customer: You got one of those Impossible Whoppers?
Me: I have some plant based burgers here.
Customer: I want an Impossible Whoppers.
Me: That’s available at Burger King. We carry Beyond Meat. It’s the same idea.
Customer: Lame.
Customer: (on phone) What type of shrimp do you have today?
Me: I’ve got some shrimp from Georgia for $12.99–
Customer: Let’s get one thing clear. I don’t care about the price. I want to know the type of shrimp.
Me: Okay. I’ve got shrimp from Georgia, Argentina, and Indonesia.
Customer: I’ll be sending my wife for the Georgia ones. Goodbye.
(The phone rings 4 minutes later)
Customer: I just called about the shrimp. How much is the Georgia shrimp?
Me: $12.99.
Customer: Disgusting!
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: You sell baby scallops! That’s cruel! So many babies harvested! Gross.
Me: Sir, those are bay scallops. They’re smaller than sea scallops. That’s as big as they get.
Customer: Oh.
(Seconds later)
Customer: Disgusting! You sell veal...
Customer: Where are you hiding the turkeys?
Me: I’m sorry. I’m all out.
Customer: That’s just great! Thanks a lot man. You know, some people do their thanksgiving later than Thursday. Some of us actually have to work on thanksgiving!
Customer with little girl: This $90 turkey is all that you got?
Me: I’m sorry. It is.
Customer: You ain't got oysters, your turkey is pricey as hell. How am I supposed to have Thanksgiving?!
Little Girl: Momma, I'd Thanksgiving over already?
Customer: Turkeys?
Me: I’ve got one left.
Customer: $92?! For that price it better give me a blowjob.
Customer: (on phone)Do you guys have any mussels?
Me: Yeah I sure do.
Customer: Cool what size bag and how much?
Me: 2lbs and they are 5.99 right now.
Customer: how many come in a bag
Me: About 20-25 ish
Customer: YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL YER TALKIN’ ABOUT!!
*click*
"Yes ma'am, that organic turkey is the only one I have left."
“Yes, ma’am. It is expensive.”
"Yes ma'am, it is ridiculous that we're out of fresh turkeys on Thanksgiving. "
"No ma'am, I don't have any in the back."
"I'm sorry ma'am that we ruined your thanksgiving."
"No ma'am, that 18 lb frozen turkey will not be thawed out by 2:00"
"No ma'am, I don't recommend cooking it frozen."
"Happy Thanksgiving to you too, ma'am. "
(These were all from the same woman. )
Customer: This Turkey is expensive.
Me: Yes, ma’am. It’s organic.
Customer: 90 bucks. Hard to be thankful for that.
Customer: Why can't I cook the turkey while is frozen?
Me: Well, if you cook it in the oven, it will come out undercooked and you could get sick.
Customer:I was gonna fry it.
Me: Oh. In that case, you run the risk of it exploding.
Customer: Ah. I see. Would you put this turkey back for me?
Customer: You got any turkeys?
Me: I’ve got a couple organic turkeys left. Just a heads up, they’re really big.
Customer: $92?! Why is it so expensive?
Me: They’re organic.
Customer: Um...you got any synthetic ones?
Little Old Lady: I’m supposed to get a capon. What is a capon?
Me: Well it’s...
Little Old Lady: Never mind. I googled it. It’s a... castrated cock....oh my.
(She blushes and walks away.)
Customer: I’m picking up a turkey.
Me: Sure. What’s the name?
Customer: Unbelievable! Every fucking year!
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: You’ve already lost my order.
Me: I was asking your name so I could find your turkey.
Customer: Oh...it’s Simmons.
Customer: How much is this Dasani?
Me: I don’t know. I can...
Customer: You can read the barcode?!
Me: There’s not a scanner back here. I can...
Customer: You can’t read the barcode?!
Me: You have to use a scanner. I can’t read it by sight. I can...
Customer: That’s some shit.
Me: I can take it up front and scan it.
Customer: (Eye roll) I can do that! (Walks away)
Customer: I'm looking for a turkey.
Me: I've got a couple left.
Customer: Oh, thank god. Wait. Is this raw?
Me: Uh....yes, sir. If you got one of the cooked meals, they're in the deli.
Customer: I just came from there. APPARENTLY you have to ORDER those AHEAD OF TIME! So, you don't have anything that's cooked?
Me: No, sir. I'm sorry.
Customer: Great! Wish someone would have told me before I volunteered my house this year. I've got people coming in an hour.
Customer: Is this “Argentina Pink Shrimp” cooked?
Me: No ma’am. It’s naturally that red color.
Customer: I’ll take a pound.
(I give it to her)
Customer: This is local?
Me: Um...no...it’s from Argentina.
Customer: I thought that was a brand name. Never mind, I don’t want it.
Customer: I want a piece of salmon.
Me: Sure! Which piece would you like?
Customer: The one in then back.
(I put that piece in a bag.)
Customer: Wait. Is the $12.99 on the tag the price?
Me: Yes, ma’am.
Customer: Never mind. Too expensive. I’ll take some shrimp.
Me: Okay.
Customer: Is the $9.99 on the tag the price?
Customer: I bought those shrimp two days ago and they tasted funny. Can I try one before I buy them again?
Me: I’m sorry. I can’t let you try them. They’re raw. I can’t sample uncooked product.
Customer: They’re not cooked?
Me: No, sir.
Customer:...well, that explains why they tasted funny.
Customer: Is there blood in pork?
Me: Oh, is that pack leaking? Let me fix that for you!
Customer: It’s not leaking. But is there blood inside it?
Me: Um...I mean, all meat has blood in it.
Customer: (throwing down pack.) Gross! I’m getting hamburger.