Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: I want two 6oz sirloin fillets.
Me: I’ll have to cut them. Give me like five minutes.
(Later)
Me: Here are your fillets.
Customer: Are those 8oz?
Me: I thought you said 6oz.
Customer: Those are too small.
Me: I can cut them. Give me five more minutes.
Customer: (sigh) I guess.
Customer: Two pieces of salmon.
Me: Which ones would you like?
Customer: Any of them.
(I grab 2)
Customer: No. Not those ones.
Me: Which ones do you want.
Customer: It doesn’t matter. Any of them.
Me: How about these?
Customer: No.
Me: I can grab you any one you like.
Customer: Oh, I don’t care. Any of them are fine.
Customer: We’ll take two of the “Angus Boneless.”
Me: Which kind would you like?
Customer: The “Angus Boneless.”
Me: Yes, but the Strip steaks? The ribeyes? The tenderloin?
Customer: THE “ANGUS BONELESS!” I’m reading your sign!
Me: Yes, ma’am. The first line of every sign is “Angus Boneless” the line below that is the type of steak.
Customer: “ANGUS BONELESS!!”
Customer: I’m picking up a turkey.
Me: Sure. What’s the name?
Customer: Unbelievable! Every fucking year!
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: You’ve already lost my order.
Me: I was asking your name so I could find your turkey.
Customer: Oh...it’s Simmons.
Customer: I want this chicken breast.
Me: Yes, sir!
(I bag it up.)
Customer: And this one. And this one. And this one.
(I undo the bag and grab the other chicken breasts)
Customer: That’s all.
(I print out the label.)
Customer: I want this one too.
(I throw away the label, undo the bag, and get the other breast.)
Me: Anything else?
Customer: No.
Me: Here you go!
Customer: Bag then 2 in one bag, 3 in another.
(I throw away the new label, undo the bag, and separate them)
Me: Hi! How are you today?
(The Customer looks up at me, says nothing, then looks back down.)
Me: (10 seconds later) Can I get you anything today?
(Customer looks up at me then looks back down.)
Me: (10 seconds later) : Just let me know if you need anything.
(Looks up and down again)
(I walk away)
Customer: Come back! I need help.
Me: What can I get you?
(Customer looks up at me, says nothing, looks back down.)
(I stand there while she shops around. She leaves without saying anything.)
(The phone rings)
Me: Meat department. How may I hel-
Customer: What’s the type of steak that’s not a fillet mignon?
Me: That can be a lot of things. Ribeyes, porterhouses, T-bone steaks, New York Strips.
Customer: New York strips! That’s it!
(He hangs up)
Customer: I need to put in an order for some fondue meat.
Me: Sure thing! How much are you looking to get?
Customer: A lot!
Me: Um...okay. How much is that?
(Blank Stare)
Me: How many people are you serving?
Customer: A bunch!
Me: If you tell me a rough estimate, I can figure out how much you need. Roughly, 8oz is a serving size.
(Blank Stare)
Customer’s Wife: Jesus, Ed. It’s not that hard. We’re serving 7 people for Christmas.
Me: Okay. I can do that! When would you like to pick it up?
Customer: The 21st, the 22nd, or the 23rd. Or maybe I’ll come in on the 24th! I’ll let you know when I show up!!
Me: How can I help you?
Customer: I want a large one.
(I look to see if she’s pointing to something in the case and I just can’t see it. She is not.)
Me: What kind of steak?
Customer: Like not a small one.
Me: I don’t know what kind of steak you want.
Customer: A large one.
Me: No. I mean do you want a strip steak, ribeye, sirloin fillet, or tenderloin.
Customer: Sirloin, obviously.
Me: Coming right up!
Customer: Give me the third one from the top.
Me: Which fish are you wanting. I can’t see where you’re pointing from here.
Customer: Salmon!
(I grab the third salmon from the top)
Customer: TOP!
(I reach down at the bottom of the case)
Me: You mean this one at the bottom?
Customer: I guess you would call that the bottom.
Me: How can I help you?
Customer: I want a large one.
Me: A large what?
Customer: (Eye roll) Not. A. Small. Sized. One.
Me: I meant what did you want? You haven’t told me what type of fish.
Customer: (2nd eye roll) Jesus. Salmon!