Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: Is it possible for me to get some of the bacon you keep in the case?
Me: Sure thing!
Customer: It’s the hickory smoked.
Me: I’ve got it here.
Customer: The one that’s cut about this thick.
Me: How much do you need?
Customer: It’s like $4.99 a lb.
Me: Yep. I’ve got it.
Customer: There’s the sign for it.
Me: Yes. How much?
Customer: It’s hickory smoked.
Customer: Which sausage is the kind you use for breakfast? The Italian sausage? Or breakfast sausage?
(The store has been opening an hour early so that senior citizens can shop.)
Customer: Why don’t you have any chickens?!
Me: My truck isn’t here yet.
Customer: You should get your trucks early!
Me: They used to come in at 5am, but the neighborhood complained about hearing the trucks. They threatened to stop shopping if we didn’t change it. Now they can’t come in before 8.
Customer: ….I remember voting in favor of that..
Customer: I want steaks.
Me: Sure. What kind?
Customer: Angus.
Me: Everything in this case is angus beef. Which kind of steak did you want?
Customer: USDA Choice.
Me: All of this is choice. I meant did you want a ribeye? Or a strip? Or a fillet?
Customer: I want a steak.
Customer: Two pieces of salmon.
Me: Which ones would you like?
Customer: Any of them.
(I grab 2)
Customer: No. Not those ones.
Me: Which ones do you want.
Customer: It doesn’t matter. Any of them.
Me: How about these?
Customer: No.
Me: I can grab you any one you like.
Customer: Oh, I don’t care. Any of them are fine.
Customer: We’ll take two of the “Angus Boneless.”
Me: Which kind would you like?
Customer: The “Angus Boneless.”
Me: Yes, but the Strip steaks? The ribeyes? The tenderloin?
Customer: THE “ANGUS BONELESS!” I’m reading your sign!
Me: Yes, ma’am. The first line of every sign is “Angus Boneless” the line below that is the type of steak.
Customer: “ANGUS BONELESS!!”
Customer: Got any perch?
Me: I’m sorry. I don’t carry perch.
Customer: Well what the fuck do you carry?!?!
Me: Um...everything I have is represented here in this counter.
Customer: Well, fucking good for you.
(The department is closed. I’m leaving to go home)
Customer: What happened to the steaks?
Me: We closed an hour ago. I’ve got a bunch of steaks out here, we’ve just closed down the stuff under the glass.
Customer: These are all two packs. I only want one steak.
Me: I can break one open for you.
(I open the pack and wrap the steaks separately)
Customer: Wow. That’s a good sale. Only $5 a steak! You know what, I’ll take them both.
Me: Great.
Customer: Can you package them together?
Customer: Do you have local shrimp?
Me: Yes ma’am.
Customer: Which one is it? (Reading signs) The Argentina pink shrimp? Or the one with the local flag sticking out of it?
(The department has been closed for 30 minutes. I’m cleaning up before I leave)
Customer: Hey man. Where’s the good bacon?!
Me: It’s in the back, I pulled it after I closed. I have hickory smoked and maple chipotle. Which kind did you want?
Customer: Chipotle. Half a pound.
(I go into the back, unwrap the pan, get him half a pound, rewrap the pan.)
(5 mins later, he comes back)
Customer: (handing me the bacon) I don’t want the bacon.
Me: Okay.
(Ten minutes later, he comes back)
Customer: Can I get half a pound of the hickory bacon?
Customer: What type of meat should I use to make brisket?
Me: I sell briskets right here.
Customer: And that’s what you use to make brisket?
Me: Yes.
Customer: You’re sure?
Customer: Can I smell the salmon?
Me: Sure! We just got it in yesterday.
Customer: (smelling it) Nope. I don’t want it. I got fish from another store last week and I didn’t like the way it smelled.
Me: I’m sorry to hear that.
Customer: I bought shrimp off of a shrimp boat the other day. I didn’t like the way it smelled.
Me: I would think the shrimp off the boat would be fresh.
Customer: They has just caught it. I didn’t like the way it smelled.
Customer: Can I get these hocks sliced.
Me: Um….we can’t really do that. They’re so small, there’s no leverage on the saw. They can flip. It’s not very safe.
Customer: (Eye roll) So you won’t cut them on your saw?
Me: (to coworker) You want to cut these hocks? I’m uncomfortable doing it.
Coworker: I’m not either. They’re too small. They’ll roll on the saw.
Customer: Just do it. Do I need to get a manager.
(We stand in silence for a little. It’s clear she’s not taking no for an answer. It’s uncomfortable. )
Me: Um….it’s gonna take a little time . Swing back by in five minutes.
(I cut them on the saw. They predictably roll and flip. I nick myself on the saw blade. -it’s not bad. I’ve had worse.)
Me: Here are your hocks.
Customer: And see you didn’t cut yourself. (Seeing the bandaid in my hand) Oh….you did cut yourself…..uh…..um….well, we’ll think of you when we eat these.
Me: Here’s your shrimp. Anything else I can get you?
Customer: That’s it.
Me: Have a nice da-
Customer: I want some steaks. Two ribeyes.
Me: Anything else?
Customer: No.
Me: Have a-
Customer: Three pork chops.
Me: Okay. Is that all?
Customer: Yes.
Me: Here you go-
Customer: One salmon fillet.
Me: Sure. Will that complete your order?
Customer: Yes.
Me: Have-
Customer: I want chicken breasts.
Customer: $16.99 a pound is too expensive for this shrimp.
Me: You’re not paying full price, it’s on sale for $11.99.
Customer: Why are they $16.99?
Me: It costs more when they are peeled and deveined. Also they’re on sale for $11.99.
Customer: I don’t want them. That’s not market price.
Me: Are you ready?
Customer: Yes!
Me: (walking over) What can I get you?
Customer: I don’t know yet.
Me: Oh....uh...that’s cool. Just let me know when you’re ready.
(I turn to walk away)
Customer: I’m ready.
Me: What can I get you?
Customer: I don’t know yet.
Customer: One pound of swordfish.
Me: Here ya go!
Customer: I read the sign wrong. I thought it was $5.99 not $15.99. Can I switch it out for the snapper?
Me: Sure. Here ya go.
Customer: I said snapper.
Me: That’s what I gave you.
Customer: (pointing) Snapper.
Me: That’s flounder. The signs are in front of the fish; that’s snapper behind the flounder.
Customer: I’ll do the flounder.
Me: Here ya go.
Customer: Wait. The flounder is way more expensive. I’ll take the snapper.
Me: Here ya go.
Me: Can I get you anything?
Customer: The shrimp looks great, but I can’t afford it. I spent all my money on beer and hookers.
Me: (laughing) I hear ya!
Customer: No! I’m serious, kid.
Customer: Four tenderloin steaks. I want good ones.
Me: Sure thing!
(I pick out four steaks)
Customer: I said good ones!!
Me: I’m sorry. Which ones would you like?
Customer: (after looking for a minute) I guess the four you picked.
Customer: There’s so many types of Salmon. Why is that? What’s the difference between Farm Raised Salmon and Wild Caught Salmon?
(I go into all of the differences between the types of salmon. Dietary differences, environmental differences, etc)
Customer: (blank stare)
Me: The Farm Raised Salmon is…raised on a farm. The Wild Caught is..um…caught in the wild.
Customer: Okay. I’ll take the farm raised.