Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: (on phone) I bought a 12lb turkey, but now there are more people coming over. I’ll need a bigger turkey.
Me: Okay. I’ve got a few.
Customer: I don’t want to cook two turkeys. I’ll be returning the other turkey so you can resell it.
Me: I can’t resell it. If you return it, I have to throw it away.
Customer: Oh well. I’m returning it anyway. I don’t want to cook two turkeys.
Customer: You got any crab meat?
Me: I’m all out. I’m sorry.
Customer: Your coworker said he thought there were two in the back.
Me: Yes, ma’am. But those are reserved for someone.
Customer: Reserved for who?!?!
Me: A customer who called a couple of days ago.
Customer: That’s fucked up.
Little Old Lady: I’m supposed to get a capon. What is a capon?
Me: Well it’s...
Little Old Lady: Never mind. I googled it. It’s a... castrated cock....oh my.
(She blushes and walks away.)
Customer: I’m picking up a turkey.
Me: Sure. What’s the name?
Customer: Unbelievable! Every fucking year!
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: You’ve already lost my order.
Me: I was asking your name so I could find your turkey.
Customer: Oh...it’s Simmons.
Customer: How much is this Dasani?
Me: I don’t know. I can...
Customer: You can read the barcode?!
Me: There’s not a scanner back here. I can...
Customer: You can’t read the barcode?!
Me: You have to use a scanner. I can’t read it by sight. I can...
Customer: That’s some shit.
Me: I can take it up front and scan it.
Customer: (Eye roll) I can do that! (Walks away)
Customer: I'm looking for a turkey.
Me: I've got a couple left.
Customer: Oh, thank god. Wait. Is this raw?
Me: Uh....yes, sir. If you got one of the cooked meals, they're in the deli.
Customer: I just came from there. APPARENTLY you have to ORDER those AHEAD OF TIME! So, you don't have anything that's cooked?
Me: No, sir. I'm sorry.
Customer: Great! Wish someone would have told me before I volunteered my house this year. I've got people coming in an hour.
Customer: I need a fresh Butterball Turkey.
My coworker: I’m sorry. All I have are a couple of our brand of turkeys.
(A couple of minutes later)
Customer: Hi! I’d like to buy a fresh Butterball Turkey.
Me: I’m out right now. I do have two fresh turkeys, but they’re not Butterball.
Customer: That’s not going to work.
(She walks over to a third coworker)
Customer: Do you have any fresh Butterball turkeys?
Customer: Is this “Argentina Pink Shrimp” cooked?
Me: No ma’am. It’s naturally that red color.
Customer: I’ll take a pound.
(I give it to her)
Customer: This is local?
Me: Um...no...it’s from Argentina.
Customer: I thought that was a brand name. Never mind, I don’t want it.
Customer: Do you have sushi grade pork?
Me: What....you can’t eat pork like...what are you trying to make?
Customer: (Eye roll) Sushi, like I said.
Customer: I want a piece of salmon.
Me: Sure! Which piece would you like?
Customer: The one in then back.
(I put that piece in a bag.)
Customer: Wait. Is the $12.99 on the tag the price?
Me: Yes, ma’am.
Customer: Never mind. Too expensive. I’ll take some shrimp.
Me: Okay.
Customer: Is the $9.99 on the tag the price?
Customer: I bought those shrimp two days ago and they tasted funny. Can I try one before I buy them again?
Me: I’m sorry. I can’t let you try them. They’re raw. I can’t sample uncooked product.
Customer: They’re not cooked?
Me: No, sir.
Customer:...well, that explains why they tasted funny.
Customer: Got any perch?
Me: I’m sorry. I don’t carry perch.
Customer: Well what the fuck do you carry?!?!
Me: Um...everything I have is represented here in this counter.
Customer: Well, fucking good for you.
Customer: Can you cut me a sirloin tip, and not dip it in blood?
Me: I’m sorry, what?
Customer: I want a sirloin tip, but with no blood. So please don’t dip it in the blood you normally use.
Me: We don’t dip anything in blood.
Customer: So why does it have blood in it?
Customer: Is there blood in pork?
Me: Oh, is that pack leaking? Let me fix that for you!
Customer: It’s not leaking. But is there blood inside it?
Me: Um...I mean, all meat has blood in it.
Customer: (throwing down pack.) Gross! I’m getting hamburger.
Customer: (looking at empty case) Where the hell is everything? I want seafood.
Me: We’re not open yet, but I can get anything you need. I’m working to get the stuff out so we can open in two hours.
Customer: Salmon.
(I haven’t set up the fish yet, so I have to dig through several bins to find it.)
Customer: Wait. How much is that a pound?
(It’s a new sale, so I dig through the price tags to find the right one.)
Me: It’s....$8.99.
Customer: I’ll take it.
(I hand him his salmon.)
Customer: You know, it would be a lot easier if that stuff was in the case. Don’t want to tell you your job, but all that searching around wastes time.
Me: Here’s your beef tenderloin.
Customer: On senior day I like to buy things young people like you couldn’t possibly afford.
Me: Um...okay. Sounds like a plan.
Customer: That’s the $9.99 /lb one not $10.99 /lb one right? And you’re sure that’s the smallest one you’ve got?
Customer: I want you to pack up seven packs of lobster salad. I want each one to cost $6.50- $7.00
Me: Okay.
(I start doing it. He walks away to select a pack of bacon. He returns)
Customer: What the hell is taking so long?! Hurry up, I have a business to open!!
Customer: Where’s the pimento cheese?
Me: They have it ov— (she jogs away before I can finish)
(The city has been shit down because of a snowstorm.)
Customer: Is that everything you got out there?
Me: Yes, sir. We…..
Customer: What the hell happened? I mean what’s the big deal?!
Me: Well, we haven’t gotten a truck in 3 days. I’ve got a truck coming in today, but I don’t know when to expect it. It could be any minute or it could be tonight.
Customer: That’s shit. The roads are fine, chief!
(He storms away before I can tell him our trucks come from NC)
(The department is closed. I’m leaving to go home)
Customer: What happened to the steaks?
Me: We closed an hour ago. I’ve got a bunch of steaks out here, we’ve just closed down the stuff under the glass.
Customer: These are all two packs. I only want one steak.
Me: I can break one open for you.
(I open the pack and wrap the steaks separately)
Customer: Wow. That’s a good sale. Only $5 a steak! You know what, I’ll take them both.
Me: Great.
Customer: Can you package them together?