Grass Fed
Customer: (holding a package of clearly labeled plant-based meatballs) What type of meat is this? Like is it beef?
Me: No, ma’am. It’s plant based.
Customer: ...so like grass?
Which one?
Customer: Is it possible for me to get some of the bacon you keep in the case?
Me: Sure thing!
Customer: It’s the hickory smoked.
Me: I’ve got it here.
Customer: The one that’s cut about this thick.
Me: How much do you need?
Customer: It’s like $4.99 a lb.
Me: Yep. I’ve got it.
Customer: There’s the sign for it.
Me: Yes. How much?
Customer: It’s hickory smoked.
Blame Game
Customer: Do you have any more of the grass fed ground beef?
Me: No, ma’am. I’m sorry. The plant we get our ground beef from had to temporarily close because several people tested positive.
Customer: You guys can’t blame Covid forever!!! That’s bullshit!!
Clean Tuna
Customer: I want tuna.
Me: Okay.
Customer: These ones could have touched the other fish. I want one from the back.
Me: Okay.
(I bring out a piece.)
Customer: No! That one is already open. I want to see you open it.
Me: Okay.
(I bring out a piece, still in the vacuum pack.)
Customer: No! I want to see you open the box.
Me: Okay.
(I bring out a box, open it, take out a vacuum pack, open it, and hand it to her.)
Customer: Thank you.
Other customer: Gee, I hope nobody mishandled that in the boat, at the packing plant, at the warehouse, or in the truck.
(The first customer looks mortified.)
Crab legs to you too
Me: Good morning, ma’am! How are you doing today?
Customer: CRAB LEGS!!!
Fucking liverwurst
Customer: Where’s the Boar’s Head liverwurst?
Me: I don’t actually carry that over here. They may have it in the deli.
Customer: Then why the fuck did they send me over here?!
Me: I’m sorry sir I...
Customer: Fuck you! Piece of shit!
Me: I... Customer: I ought to beat your fucking ass, mother fucker. Have a fucking wonderful day! Don’t fucking talk to me!
You Played Yourself
Customer: Where’s your leg quarters?
Me: I'm sorry. I don't have any right now. They’re not coming in consistently yet.
Customer: That’s bullshit! I want to talk to a manager!
(I call one)
Manager: Didn’t I tell you not to come back after I caught you stealing last week? Get out or I'm calling the cops.
(He runs away)
A horse is a horse of course Of course
Customer: I’m making a German dish. Which of these cuts is closest to horse meat?
Misleading
Customer: One of those seasoned ribeyes.
Me: Here you go!
Customer: Wait. Those are supposed to be $10.99!
Me: The plain ones are $10.99. The seasoned ones are $11.99.
Customer: That’s not what the sign says.
Me: The sign you’re pointing to is in front of the plain ones.
Customer: Your signs are misleading!
Get it together
Customer: I’ve been in here 4 times. There’s no meatloaf mix.
Me: I’m sorry. There’s a bunch of items we’re not getting in right now.
Customer: Are you sure you’re ordering it?
Me: I personally ordered it yesterday. The warehouse doesn’t have any.
Customer: Well, they need to get it together.
You’ve got a phone call
Customer: (talking on cellphone) They’ve got salmon. Do you want some? (To me) One pound of salmon.
Me: Farm raised or wild caught?
Customer: (To phone) They’ve got two kinds. What kind do you want? I don’t know....I don’t know. (To me) Here, talk to her.
Me: With everything going on, I’m not comfortable touching your phone.
Customer: Don’t be such a baby! Take the goddamned phone!
Me: I’m sorry. I’m not going to do that.
Customer: I’m the goddamned customer. You do what I say!
Me: I’d be more than happy to explain the difference between the salmon..
Customer: Fuck you! I’m getting a manager!
Weird
(A woman wearing an N-95 mask literally walks back into my department while I had my back turned, washing a knife.)
Customer: Hellllooooo! Do y’all have any whole chickens?
Me: I’m sorry ma’am but if there are none in the case, I’m out.
(She keeps walking towards me, even though I’m moving back to keep it at 6ft.)
Customer: Well that’s unusual.
Me: It’s not that unusual lately.
Customer: Really? Weird! I wonder why....
(She walks away.)
Shifty
Customer: (on phone) I used the Shift app yesterday and I’m not happy with the product I got. The ribeye was not at thick as I like, the asparagus could have been fresher, and they brought the wrong type of shrimp.
Me: I’m sorry ma’am. We can cut to whatever thickness you like-
Customer: That’s not good enough!! Shift brought me the wrong stuff! It’s unacceptable!
Me: Again, I apologize, but the people that shop for Shift aren’t store employees. There isn’t much I can do.
Customer: I want your corporate number. Me: Sure. Hold on.
Mix up
Customer: You get any of the meatloaf mix in?
Me: No, sir. I’m sorry.
Customer: Are you sure they’re remembering to order it?
Me: We’re ordering it every truck, but our supply line isn’t back to 100% yet.
Customer: Why not? What’s going on?
Sausage Fest
Customer: Which sausage is the kind you use for breakfast? The Italian sausage? Or breakfast sausage?
Shoot yourself In The Foot
(The store has been opening an hour early so that senior citizens can shop.)
Customer: Why don’t you have any chickens?!
Me: My truck isn’t here yet.
Customer: You should get your trucks early!
Me: They used to come in at 5am, but the neighborhood complained about hearing the trucks. They threatened to stop shopping if we didn’t change it. Now they can’t come in before 8.
Customer: ….I remember voting in favor of that..
6-8
Customer: I want two 6oz sirloin fillets.
Me: I’ll have to cut them. Give me like five minutes.
(Later)
Me: Here are your fillets.
Customer: Are those 8oz?
Me: I thought you said 6oz.
Customer: Those are too small.
Me: I can cut them. Give me five more minutes.
Customer: (sigh) I guess.
Price Check
Customer: How much are these crab cakes?
Me: I can’t see where you’re pointing. Which one do you mean?
Customer: The $2.49 one.
Holy guacamole
Customer: Where’s the guacamole?
Me: That’s over in produce.
Customer: They just sent me over here!
Me: I don’t have stuff like that over here. It’s in produce.
Customer: I was just there! The place with all the bread!
Me: That’s the bakery. Produce is the place with the vegetables. Right there.
Customer: Okay.
Thanks
Not everyone is mean:
Customer: Thank you for working.
Customer: I know this has been tough on you. Thank you for coming into work.
Customer: I appreciate everything you guys have done since this started.
Customer: Think of all the families you’re feeding. Thank you for working so hard.
Customer: You’re keeping the world together. You’re as vital as doctors and firefighters. Thank you.