Too much!
Customer: I’ll take 1 3/4- 2 lbs of shrimp.
Me: Here ya go. It’s 1.92lbs.
Customer: Take four shrimp out.
I’ll Be back
Customer Do you have any pork that isn't Smithfield?
Me: I do not.
Customer That is made from pigs they send to China, process, and GLUE back together, I'm going to Publix.
Me: I’m pretty sure they carry Smithfield too.
(She leaves. I look up and see her again an hour later.)
Customer: They have Smithfield. Yours was cheaper.
Math Test
Customer: I want 10lbs of crab legs.
Me: Here ya go!
Customer: Those are two bags.
Me: Yes, ma’am. I can only fit 5lbs into each bag.
Customer: Then I’m getting charged more?!
Me: No, it’s by the pound.
Customer: I know it’s by the pound. You’re charging me twice!
Me: Each bag is 5lbs. Two of them is 10lbs.
Customer: I don’t want it!
(She storms off)
Inspection
Customer: Please explain to me how farm raised shrimp can be deep water caught!
Me: Whoops. Sorry about that. Didn’t realize that clip was on there. They are farm raised.
Customer: Then you don’t need to have that tag on there!
(I pull off the small clip that says “deep water caught.”)
Me: Do you need anything?
Customer: Nope.
Raw diet
Customer: That’s disgusting! You’re going to make someone sick!
Me: I’m sorry, what are you talking about?
Customer: Your kabobs! There’s raw chicken touching the vegetables!
Me: Um…yes, sir. You cook them together.
Customer: What if someone eats the vegetables without cooking them?!
Me: I wouldn’t recommend doing that.
Freeze tag
Customer: You don’t have many crab cakes.
Me: We’re switching to previously frozen crab cakes, and the new ones haven’t come in yet.
Customer: Frozen?! No no no. Once you freeze them they’re not as good.
Me: I agree.
Customer: Give me four packs of two.
Me: Here ya go!
Customer: I’ll freeze three of these.
Me: …um….sounds great.
Isn’t that special
Customer: One pound of shrimp.
Me: Sure thing!
(I grab a handful of shrimp and put them in a bag.)
Customer: You’re not going to pick each one out individually? You’re not making me feel special!
Feel it in my veins
Customer: I see y’all are all out of shrimp de-vieners. How in the world am I supposed to peel all the shrimp I bought from the dock?
Me: If you have kitchen shears, you can cut the shell here…(I go through a quick tutorial of how to peel shrimp) Anyway that’s always worked well for me.
Customer: That all sounds like total bullshit!
(She storms off)
Oh baby
(There’s a line of 4 customers standing in front of my counter. A fifth man frantically walks up.)
Customer: Look, I can’t wait in line! I left my baby in the car!
Phone call
(We’ve been closed for 20 minutes. A customer has been standing by my counter, talking on the phone for about 30 minutes. As I clean my empty pans, they fall into the sink, making a crashing noise.)
Customer: Hey, asshole, I’m on the phone!
Come again?
Customer: I want some squirters.
Me: I’m…I’m sorry?
Customer: These. Right here. Squirter clams.
Me: You mean the steamer clams?
Customer: Yeah. Why? What did I say?
Regular ribs
Customer: Hey man, are these regular ribs?
Me: Well, I have spare ribs and back ribs both are good.
Customer: I just want regular ribs.
Me: Not exactly sure what you mean by regular ribs, but if you were using these for bbq ribs, both are great cuts.
Customer: So, you don’t sell regular ribs?
Me: Like I said, both of these are commonly used for BBQ or smoking.
Customer: Fine, I’m going where they got regular ribs!
Wing Ding
Customer: When you steam those crab legs, can you season them?
Me: Sure, I’ve got Old Bay.
Customer: That’s the only seasoning you have?!
Me: I’ve got the seasoning we use on chicken wings?
Customer: I want crab seasoning, not damn wing seasoning. You don’t have any garlic butter seasoning?
Me: I do, it’s the seasoning we use on…wings.
Customer: Oh, I’ll take that!
Mr. Butcher-man
Customer: That’s supposed to be $19.99!!! The scale said $24.99!!!
Me: Yes, ma’am. The full price is $24.99. The sale price is below the full price on the screen.
Customer: Okay, Mr. Butcher-man! You must be having a bad day!!
Me: Um…what else can I get you?
Customer: Come over here!! I’m not done with you, Mr. Butcher-man!!! I want a lamb chop!
Me: Okay. Anything else?
Customer: No, Mr. Butcher-man! Hope you have a better day, Mr. Butcher-man!!
Pound and a quarter, two bits.
Customer: I want a pound of this seasoned salmon.
Me: A pound is probably gonna be two of them. Yep. Two is a little under a pound and a quarter.
Customer: That’s too much. Try these smaller ones.
Me: They’re all about the same size. Yep, about a pound and a quarter.
Customer: Take the smallest two out of the four.
Me: About a pound and a quarter.
Customer: Try the other pair.
Me: Pound and a quarter.
1…2…3
Customer: How many crab legs come in a pound?
Me: They’re pretty big, so 3ish.
Customer: Can I see what a pound looks like?
(I bag it up)
Customer: How many are in there?
Me: 3.
Customer: That’s not enough. I don’t want it.
Now That’s Eatin’ brisket!
Customer: I’m looking for brisket.
Me: Sure thing. I’ve got whole briskets here and ones that are cut smaller here.
Customer: No. I want the brisket that you eat.
Me: Like already cooked?
Customer: No. I’m gonna cook it, but I want the kind you eat, not like this.
Me: …
You Didn’t see Anything
(A customer shoves a bunch of packets of Texas Pete into his duffel bag.)
(He looks up and sees me.)
(He gives me a “come on, man” look.)
(He puts two packets back and leaves.)
No tank you
Customer: I want to order lobsters for Valentine’s Day.
Me: Great! We have a preorder sales event going on right now.
Customer: So how does this work? Will you give me a tank of water with them?
Me: Um…no. They don’t come in a tank.
Customer: SO WHAT?! ARE THEY JUST CRAWLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR BACK THERE?!?!
Me: Uh…they come in a box. We put them in smaller boxes before we give them to you.
Hoarding
Customer: Do you have any more whole fryers?
Me: No, sir.
Customer: Are people just hoarding them?
Me: There’s a little panic buying, yes.
Customer: It isn’t fair to other people. Like me, I only wanted to get 10 and freeze them.