Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
(Do to COVID + supply issues our shelves are mostly empty. When the truck gets here the only way to get the counter full is to block off the aisle, fill the counter, then let people rip it apart).
(I’m doing this when a woman pushes aside the cart that blocks off where I’m working)
Me: Ma’am, we have that blocked off so that we can get everything out. We only got 30 cases. Give me 5 minutes and it’ll all be out.
Customer: Fuck that and fuck you. I’m going to Publix.
Customer: Where's all the meat? I have a dinner party tonight!
Me: Well, between Covid and the storms in North Carolina we are experiencing some shortages.
Customer: You people always blame things on the weather or Covid!
Customer: Where are the ribs that are $1.49?
Me: It’s these Boston Butt a country style ribs.
Customer: No. Ribs means a rack.
Me: Country style ribs are basically parts of the shoulder that are sliced in half.
Customer: (throwing down pack) I’m going to Publix, where they know what the hell they’re talking about.
Customer: I want three tuna steaks, and I want these right here.
Me: I can’t…
Customer: Can’t what?! Count?!
Me: …see where you’re pointing from this side of the case.
Customer: (turns red)
Customer: I bought this breakfast sausage yesterday and when I opened it, it was rotten.
Me: I’m sorry. I’m surprised to hear that; it’s got a good date on it.
Customer: Yeah, I bought it yesterday. I only left it in my car for about 5 hours. When I opened it, it was bad.
Customer: Hi! You told me how to cook my rib roast for Christmas?
Me: Yes, ma’am. How did it turn out?
Customer: This is for you.
(She hands me an envelope and walks away. I’m thinking it’s a tip. It doesn’t happen often, but some people tip. I open it…it’s a recipe for a rib roast).
(There are so many customers on my aisle, that you can barely walk. I’m frantically trying to fill the holes in my meat case)
Customer: You guys sure are doing a lot of restocking. Why?
Customer: What are the chances that y’all will get some prime tenderloin in for Christmas
Me: Well sir, since we are open for 6 more hours and closed on Christmas I would say 0% chance.
Customer: Aw…son of a BITCH!
(Customer removes the lid off of a box of a Bushel of oysters, leaving an open box on the display. She uses the lid to prop her leg up on the motorized cart she’s using)
Me: Ma’am, I can’t let you do that. I can’t have the oysters open in the aisle, plus the barcode is on the top of the box.
Customer: My foot hurts!
Me: I can get you another empty box, it’s a health code violation to leave these open.
Customer: My foot hurts!
(A woman comes back with the store manager.)
Customer: You sold me underweight lobsters!
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: The ad said these lobsters would be 1.25-1.33lbs.
Me: How much were those?
Customer: 1.20lbs! These are underweight.
Manager: I’m sorry ma’am. If you want, I can give you that roast you have for free to make up for it.
Customer: I don’t want anything free. I want this to be a teaching moment so they don’t sell me any underweight lobsters again!
Automated phone: Thanks for calling Chambers Supermarkets. For customer service and employment opportunities press 1. For the deli press 2. For produce press 3. For meat and seafood press 4. For…
(Customer presses selection)
Me: Meat department. How can I help you.
Customer: Do you deal with lost and found?
Me: Nope. This is the meat department. I’ll transfer you to customer service.
2 minutes later:
Automated phone: Thanks for calling Chambers Supermarkets. For customer service and employment opportunities press 1. For the deli press 2. For produce press 3. For meat and seafood press 4. For…
(Customer presses selection)
Me: Meat department. How can I help you.
Same customer: Can you just transfer me to customer service
Automated phone: Thanks for calling Chambers Supermarkets. For customer service and employment opportunities press 1. For the deli press 2. For produce press 3. For meat and seafood press 4. For…
(Customer presses selection)
Me: Meat department. How can I help you.
Customer: I put in an application a week ago. Why haven’t you called me?
Me: You put one in for the meat department?
Customer: No. For produce. Not meat!
Me: This is the meat department. Hold on. I’ll transfer you.
Customer: Jesus.
Customer: Do you know anything about the dairy?
Me: I do not. (I’m about to say “let me get you someone”)
Customer: Is this almond milk the only brand you carry?
Me: I’m not sure. Let me get…
Customer: What about cashew milk?
Me: I don’t know anything about that. I’ll get you…
Customer: Does it come in any flavors?
Customer: I’ll take 5 of those clams.
Me: Yes, ma’am. Here ya go!
Customer: There’s a tiny hole in the bag.
Me: That’s so the clams can breathe. You don’t want them to suffocate.
Customer: Breathe?!
Me: Yes, ma’am. They’re alive.
Customer: (gagging) Never mind. I don’t want them. They’re…alive!!
Customer: I was looking at your hams. Any bigger ones?
Me: No, sir. Those are the last two that I have.
Customer: So I have to choose from only two hams?!
Me: (looking over his shoulder) Actually someone just picked up one. There’s only one.
Customer: (Scurrying away) Dagnabbit!!
Customer: Turkey breasts?
Me: I’m sorry. I’m all out.
Customer: Why?
Me: We didn’t get many in this year. They sold out.
Customer: So just because I waited til thanksgiving, I don’t get a Turkey breast?!
Customer: When are you going to get more turkeys than this?
Me: I’m not. Those are my last two.
Customer: God, the holidays suck.
Customer: I need a smaller Turkey.
Me: I’ve only got those two left.
Customer: Nothing in the back?
Me: Nothing in the back.
Customer: Are you sure?
Me: I’m sure.
Customer: None anywhere?
Me: None anywhere.
Customer: So you’re telling me that these two are it?
Customer: I need a Turkey.
Me: You’re in luck; I’ve got a couple left.
Customer: I saw those. I don’t like butterball.
Me: I’m sorry. That’s all I have.
Customer: I don’t like butterball.
Me: I’m sorry.
Customer: I don’t like butterball.
Customer: Where are your oysters?
Me: I’m sorry. I’m all out.
Customer: (angrily waving his hand) Bah!