Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: I need chicken gizzards to make gravy for thanksgiving.
Me: I’m sorry. We haven’t been able to get gizzards or livers in for a few months. It’s one of the casualties of the product shortage.
Customer: But it’s for thanksgiving.
Me: I’m sorry.
Customer: It’s fucking thanksgiving.
Customer: Shucked oysters?
Me: I’m all out. I’m sorry.
Customer: You don’t have ANY oysters of ANY kind?!
Me: I’ve got oysters in the shell right below where you’re standing.
Customer: I said shucked! You need to listen!
(A coworker and I are working the counter.)
Coworker: …that’s some crazy shit.
(A customer heard our conversation.)
Customer: I can’t believe you would talk like that!
Coworker: I’m really sorry sir. It was an accident.
Customer: Do you know what I do for a living? I’m a preacher. I can’t believe you’d talk like that.
Coworker: (leaving) I’m so sorry, sir.
Me: Sorry about that sir.
Customer: Its disgusting language, I’m a preacher.
Me: I’m sorry that happened, sir.
Customer: (looking around uncomfortably) Look, I’m not really a preacher.
Me: Um…okay
Customer: We’ll, I COULD have been a preacher.
Me: How are you doing today?
Customer: Not great! I can NEVER find any packs of hamburger that are smaller than a pound. That’s shitty of you guys to do.
Me: (reaching in front of her) Here’s a 1/2lb package. The one under it is 2/3 of a lb, and behind that is 3/4 of a lb.
Customer: Finally!
Customer: How much snow crab you get for $15.99?
Me: A pound is about 4 clusters.
Customer: Only 4?!?
Me: Yes.
Customer: Show me 4 then.
(I bag up four)
Me: It’s $16.02
Customer: You know the bag weighs like a gram.
Me: It takes off a tare of almost a tenth of a pound for the bag.
Customer: Put 4 more in!!
(I crab another cluster.)
Customer: I want the snow crab!
Me: This is snow crab.
Customer: Give me the ones with meat on them.
Me: Which clusters do you want?
Customer: The ones with meat.
Me: Which ones?
(She refuses to point or direct me to the ones she wants. Eventually, I get ones she likes)
Customer: Give me a bag of shrimp!!
Me: How much do you want?
Customer: I thought you had some on special.
Me: This is on special. $12.99 a pound.
Customer: Man, give me the fucking special then!
Me: I am. How much do you want? A pound?
Customer: Yeah, damn it.
Customer: I need boneless beef neck bones.
Me: That’s basically our stew meat. I also have some boneless short ribs, but they’re a little pricier.
Customer: I said I want BONELESS NECK BONES. Neck bones with out the bones.
Me: That’s not really a thing.
Customer: I don’t want any salmon with chili on it.
Me: Um…I don’t understand.
Customer: Do you have salmon without any chili on it?
Me: None of our salmon has chili on it.
Customer: Your sign says it does. Right there.
Me: Ma’am, that says Chile. It’s where the salmon is from.
Me: Thank you so much ma’am. Let us know if you need anything else
Customer: Thanks I will! Good to see ya!
Customer behind her: You know you don’t have to ask every customer if they need anything.
Me: Just making sure everybody gets taken care of sir, trying to provide the best service possible.
Customer: Well providing good service isn’t the same as annoying everybody, I mean for goodness sake I’ll ask if I need something, I know to ask you, I’ve been to a grocery store before I know how it works!
Me ……….
Customer: I’m not trying to be a smart ass I’m just saying.
(there are now a few other customers kinda scowling at him)
Me: well let me know if you need any help sir.
(He shakes his head and walks off)
Customers: I don’t see turkeys.
Me: I won’t start getting my turkeys until next week or so.
Customer: I want it now.
Me: I haven’t got my thanksgiving shipments yet.
Customer: I don’t want it for thanksgiving! People eat turkey when it’s not thanksgiving!
Customer: Do you have any hamburgers without corn in them?
Me: We….wait…what? None of our burgers have corn in them.
Customer: I’m looking at it right now. Right here. The “bacon & cheddar cheese burgers.”
Me: Those aren’t pieces of corn they’re…
Customer: Yeah? Then what are they?!
Me: Cheese. It’s the cheddar cheese.
Customer: Ah.
Customer: You sell oysters?
Me: Yes, sir!
Customer: Can I just buy one? I got a new oyster knife and I want to give it a try!
Me: Sure. (Handing it to him) Enjoy taking it on a test-shuck.
Me: Can I get you anything, sir?
Customer: No way, man. I’m still eatin’ that spaghetti!
Me: Meat department, this is Andy. How can I help you?
Customer: I’m a frequent shopper at your store.
Me: ….um…okay.
Customer: I want three ribeyes. I’m a frequent shopper.
Me: Sure. How thick?
Customer: 2 inches. I’m a frequent shopper with you guys.
Me: Okay. Anything else?
Customer: I’m a frequent shopper.
(Customer walks into the meat cutting room)
Customer: What in the literal fuck!
(The customer leaves.)
Customer: Is this where I get sub sandwiches?
Me: That’s in the deli, on the other side of the store.
Next Customer in Line: Do you have pre-made sandwiches?
Me: That’s in the deli, on the other side of the store.
Next Customer: Where are the rotisserie chickens?
Me: That’s in the deli, on the other side of the store.
Customer: 1lb of shrimp.
(I grab a couple of handfuls and throw it on the scale. Its 1lb on the dot.)
Kid: Wow! You got it on the first try!
Customer (his dad): (rolls eyes) The sign says “20-30 to a pound” he just counted 20 shrimp. He didn’t do anything special.
Customer: I’ll take a porterhouse.
Me: Yes, sir. Which one would you like?
Customer: Any of them. They all look good.
(I select one that has a nice sized fillet and good marbling.)
Customer: Wow. You’re lucky I’m not picky.
Me: Did you want a different one?
Customer: No. That one is fine…I guess.
Me: I can get you any one you want.
Customer: This one is fine.
Customer: I’ll take a fillet of salmon.
Me: Ok!
Customer: What’s that beside it?!
Me: That’s a whole salmon.
Customer: I would never buy something that was alive.
Me: Um…that’s where your fillet is coming from.
Customer: No it’s not. I ordered a filet, not a fish.
Customer: Hey man are those mahogany calms good for clams casino?’
Me: Well I’ve never made clams casino personally but...
Customer: OH ITS GREAT! First you melt some chopped garlic with butter and (he proceeds to take me step by step through his process for clams casino in excruciating detail) then you bake em for about 20 min.
Me: Sounds good, yeah I’m sure they would be fi.....
Customer: So you think they’ll work for clams casino?
me: Yessir, sounds like a winner
Customer: I LOVE Clams casino!
(An older man comes to the counter with two younger women.)
Customer: We need three steaks! The best you got!
Me: Well, it’s a great price on the strips this week.
Customer: (putting his arms around the women) Look, I don’t need a damn discount! Give me the best steaks you have, spare no expense!
Me: Fillet mignon is always a good bet.
Customer: Now you get it! Three of those!
(I wrap them up)
Customer: Hell yeah! We are balling out tonight!
(A few minutes later a Cashier comes back with the steaks)
Cashier: His card was declined.