It’s in the bag

Customer: Someone told me you have crab legs on sale.

Me: Yep! The snow crab right here.

Customer: Give me 2 clusters.

Customer: Now give me 2 more.

(I grab two more clusters and put it in the bag.)

Customer: I want it in a separate bag!

Me: Okay. You didn’t say that. It’s no problem.

Customer: Give me two more.

Me: In a different bag?

Customer: No! Same damn bag! I want some of there crabs over here.

Me: that’s a different crab. It’s not on sale.

Customer: Okay. Give me these.

Me: Those are lobster claws. Not crab. You still want them?

Customer: Yeah. Put them together with the other ones.

Me: I can’t bag them together, they’re different prices.

Customer: They’re going different places. These are going to someone. These are going with me. Put them together.

Me: I can’t bag them together. They’re different products with different prices.

Customer:I didn’t ask you to bag them together! Jesus Christ! Put them together.

(I set them together.)

Customer: Okay they’re together.

(He picks up the two bags in separate hands. )

Customer: How the hell are they together?!?! If I can do this?!?

(He separates the bags of crab legs to demonstrate that they are, indeed, separate bags.)

Me: How do you want me to put them together?

Customer: Jesus! Staple them! When I go to the hospital, they staple things together.

Me: I don’t have a stapler back here!

Customer: Whatever.

(He storms off. )

Sorry i had what you wanted?

Customer: You took an order for me for a Turkey for Christmas. It wasn’t waiting for me when I came to pick it up.

Me: Oh my god, I’m so sorry. So you didn’t get a turkey?!

Customer: No. I got one. He (pointing to my coworker) had to get one out of the case.

Me: So you got a Turkey? Was it the right size?

Customer: No, I got one. But you didn’t have it waiting on me.

Me: I’m sorry, ma’am. I just take the order, I didn’t fill any this year. (I’m struggling, trying to figure out how to apologize for her “getting a turkey.” )

Coworker: Ma’am. It wasn’t forgotten. I found it right after you left, I just couldn’t find it in the moment.

The customer grumbles and walks away.

Your call cannot be completed

Customer: My wife sent me to pick up some smoked salmon that has sauce with it.

Me: Um….I don’t think any of the ones I carry come with a sauce.

Customer: Hold on.

(He calls his wife, talks, and hangs up the phone.)

Customer: She said it’s here.

Me: I don’t see any that say anything about a sauce.

Customer: Here you talk to her.

(He pulls out his cell phone, dials, and puts the phone to my ear without talking to his wife.)

Me: Um….hello?

Wife: Who the hell is this?!

Me: I’m Andy from Chambers Supermarket. Your husband said you were looking for a specific type of smoked salmon?

Wife: Why the hell am I talking to you?!

Me: I guess your husband wanted me to get some more details? Like a brand name or something?

Wife: I’m hanging up now!

(She hangs up. I hand the phone back. He walks away.)

Oops.

Customer: I ordered 3 trimmed and tied tenderloins. Name is Jones.

(I look in the back. I don’t see the tenderloins.)

Me: I’m sorry ma’am. It looks like it didn’t get done. Give us like 10 minutes and we’ll have it for you.

Customer: (rolling eyes) fine.

(We scramble around and start trimming tenderloins. We get the first one done, and she comes back.)

Customer: Sorry. I meant two small rib roasts. THAT’S what I ordered.

(I go into the back and grab the two rib roasts that were waiting on her.)

Complaint Department

Customer: I’m here to pick up lobsters I ordered. Name’s Smith.

Me: Yes ma’am. I’ll get them for you.

Customer: Check them. Make sure they’re not dead. I got a dead one last time.

Me: Yes ma’am.

(I hand her her lobsters)

Customer: A month ago, I got bad shrimp.

Me: I’m sorry that happened.

Customer: How can I guarantee that doesn’t happen again?

Me: Um….we can let you smell them?

Customer: Fine. Why can’t I buy tomahawk pork chops here?!

Me: I have them out here.

Customer: I used to buy them out of here.

Me: Yes, ma’am, but they change what we put under the glass. It depends on the time of year or if there’s a holiday. I’ve got tomahawks right here.

Customer: I like to pick them out.

Me: They’re individually wrapped. You can still pick them out.

Customer: I like the ones under the glass.

Me: These are the same ones.

Customer: You can’t get good service anywhere anymore!

Literally

Customer: Your meat looks so much better here than at your other stores!

Me: Thank you. I appreciate you saying that.

Customer: I literally have three stores closer to me, but I come here because this is the best! Literally the only reason I come in your front door is to get a steak.

Me: Do you want a steak today?

Customer: Nope!

Please Hold

Customer (comes to the counter on his cell phone) I want some of these Cajun chicken wings!

Me: Sure. How much do you need?

Customer: I AM ON THE PHONE!!!!

(I open the bag, put 1 chicken wing flat in it, wrap it up, set it on the counter, walk away.)

Customer: (Looking at the package after he hangs up) What the hell?!

I know

Customer: I want four of the blue crabs. (Pointing)

I want this one….

Me: I can’t see through the case to wear you’re pointing.

Customer: I know. (Pointing) This one.

Me: This one?

Customer: No. Come forward.

(I grab the one she wants)

Customer: (pointing)I want this one.

Me: I can’t see where you’re pointing.

Customer: I know. (Points) This one. Third from the front.

Me: Okay.

Customer: (pointing) This one.

Me: I can’t tell which one you’re pointing at.

Customer: (pointing) I know.

Size matters

Customer: Three ribeyes. I want the biggest.

(I weigh them up.)

Customer: Are those the biggest?

Me: They’re all cut about the same size, but I grabbed the ones that looked a little bigger.

Customer: (rolling eyes) If you say so.

Me: (holding up package) I mean, you can have whatever ones you want.

(He picks three. I weigh them up.)

Customer: Wait that’s not as much!!!

Me: Yeah, the ones I chose ended up half a pound heavier. Do you want the ones I chose? Or the ones you chose?

Customer: …yours.

Me: Have a nice day!