Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: Why don’t you carry milk anymore?
Me: (looking past her to the dairy) The milk case is right behind you.
Customer: You’re always out of the one I want!
Me: What kind are you looking for?
Customer: The kind I always get.
Me: Let me get you someone from diary; they should be able to help you.
Customer: Forget it! I’ll just shop somewhere else!
Two weeks ago
Wife: I need a standing rib roast for Christmas. We have 6 people.
Me: I’d go with 3 ribs. That’ll give you a some for leftovers too.
Wife: No no no. I want 4 ribs.
Me: Okay. That’s gonna be a lot.
Wife: 4 ribs!
Today
Husband: I’m here to pick up a roast for Smith.
Me: Here ya go!
Husband: Thanks!
Couple of minutes later.
Husband: This is huge.
Me: The order was for 4 ribs.
Husband: There’s only 6 of us. Can you cut one of these bones off?
Me: Um…sure.
Later.
The phone rings.
Wife( on phone) I ordered a standing rib roast with four ribs and you gave my husband one with three ribs!
Customer: (standing in front of a case full of seafood, looking at the shrimp) is this where the seafood is?
Customer: I called and had someone put aside a ham for me.
Me: Here it is.
Customer: I want to talk to a manager.
Me: Um…okay.
Customer: (talking to the manager) your other stores in the city don’t have any hams. You need to transfer yours to them.
Manager: That’s not really feasible today.
Later
Customer: (talking to the employee in the dairy) They should transfer theirs to the other stores.
Customer: Picking up a roast for Jenkins.
Me: (looking through the special order book) Um…it isn’t cut yet, but I can…
Customer: Why the hell isn’t it ready yet?!?! That’s why I order early!!!
Me: Well, when you ordered it early, you said you wanted to pick it up tomorrow. I can cut it now, give me like 5 minutes.
Customer: (not making eye contact) Okay. Thank you.
(I’m finishing up helping a customer pick out a steak. A customer comes to the counter and starts freaking out. The phone starts ringing. I walk to the service case.)
Me: How can I help you?
Customer: I’VE BEEN WAITING FOREVER!!! I RANG YOUR BELL!!!! I’VE GOT A DOG THAT NEEDS WALKED!!!
(She hangs up her cell phone, the phone in the market stops)
Customer: I NEED A POUND OF SALMON BUT I DON’T WANT ALL THIS STUFF WITH THE CEDAR PLANKS!!!! CAN YOU CUT THIS WHOLE SIDE?!?!
Me: Sure. Just so you know, the price goes up if you don’t buy the whole thing.
Customer: I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THAT!
Me: Okay. I just wanted to let you know.
(I cut her salmon and skin it for her. She snatches it out of my hand and storms off.)
(A minute later)
Customer: What did you do with the other pieces?
Me: I’m getting ready to tray them up.
Customer: I want those instead of this one.
Me: Sure. These are 2lbs not 1lb.
Customer: I’M SORRY I WASN’T CLEAR!!!!
(She snatches the other ones and storms off.)
Customer: I want a New York Strip.
Me: I’ve got some right here.
Customer: I like to buy them out of here. (He gestures. To empty service case with the lights out.)
Me: We don’t set that up today. But it’s the same stuff out here.
Customer: I want to buy out of here.
Me: Sir, there’s nothing in there.
Customer: Do you have any turkey necks?
Me: No. I’m out. They only Turkey parts I have are drumsticks. No necks.
Customer: A small pack?
Me: Of drumsticks?
Customer: Of turkey necks.
Me: I don’t have any turkey necks.
Customer: None?
Me: None.
(I’m working out lunch meat. So when I empty a box, I break it down, and put it in a shopping cart so I can take it to the bailer when I’m done.)
(A customer comes up with an arm full of groceries. )
Customer: I need this cart.
Me: I can run up front and get you one.
Customer: I don’t have time for that.
(She proceeds to dump my empty boxes on the floor and take the buggy.)
Customer: Do you have any turkey breasts?
Me: I’m sorry. I’m all out.
Customer: So you’re saying you don’t carry turkey breasts?!?! That’s insane.
Me: We sell them, they just don’t last until thanksgiving.
Customer: Whatever!
Customer: Where are your turkey necks?
Me: I’m sorry. I’m all out.
Customer: (waking away) No no no no no no no no….
Customer: I’m looking for some oysters.
Me: I’m sorry. We’re all out.
Customer: Every Fucking year I come in here, and you’re out of oysters!
Me: (Now I recognize him. He literally does this every year) You know, next year, if you call me ahead of time, I can save your some. We do it for lots of customers.
Customer: I don’t have time for that kind of shit.
(He storms off.)
Customer: Do you have any peeled and deveined shrimp that’s any bigger?
Me: Sure. It’ll take about 10 minutes or so for me to thaw it out.
Customer: I’ll take 2 1/2 pounds.
Me: Sure thing.
Customer: I want 2 1/2 pounds.
Me: Gotcha.
(I start to walk to the back to get the shrimp).
Customer: 2 1/2 pounds!
(She comes back later to get them.)
Customer: I need 2 1/2 lbs.
Customer: I’ve got a frozen Turkey in my freezer from about 4 years ago. Is it still good?
Customer: All of these turkeys have November 25 on them!
Me: Yes, ma’am. Thanksgiving is on the 24.
Customer: Will they be good to cook on thanksgiving?
Me: Yes. Yes they will.
Customer: I want some prime ribeyes.
Me: I’m sorry. The highest grade I have is choice. I’ll get some prime in closer to the holidays.
Customer: So you’re saying I can’t have what you don’t have?!
Me: Um….yes?
Customer: 2lbs of Dungeness crab! I can’t ever get them open. You need to smash them with a hammer for me.
Me: Um…I don’t have a hammer back here.
Customer: That’s ridiculous!! How hard is it to find a hammer?!
Customer: I’ll take 1 3/4- 2 lbs of shrimp.
Me: Here ya go. It’s 1.92lbs.
Customer: Take four shrimp out.
Customer Do you have any pork that isn't Smithfield?
Me: I do not.
Customer That is made from pigs they send to China, process, and GLUE back together, I'm going to Publix.
Me: I’m pretty sure they carry Smithfield too.
(She leaves. I look up and see her again an hour later.)
Customer: They have Smithfield. Yours was cheaper.
Customer: I want 10lbs of crab legs.
Me: Here ya go!
Customer: Those are two bags.
Me: Yes, ma’am. I can only fit 5lbs into each bag.
Customer: Then I’m getting charged more?!
Me: No, it’s by the pound.
Customer: I know it’s by the pound. You’re charging me twice!
Me: Each bag is 5lbs. Two of them is 10lbs.
Customer: I don’t want it!
(She storms off)