Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: Please explain to me how farm raised shrimp can be deep water caught!
Me: Whoops. Sorry about that. Didn’t realize that clip was on there. They are farm raised.
Customer: Then you don’t need to have that tag on there!
(I pull off the small clip that says “deep water caught.”)
Me: Do you need anything?
Customer: Nope.
Customer: That’s disgusting! You’re going to make someone sick!
Me: I’m sorry, what are you talking about?
Customer: Your kabobs! There’s raw chicken touching the vegetables!
Me: Um…yes, sir. You cook them together.
Customer: What if someone eats the vegetables without cooking them?!
Me: I wouldn’t recommend doing that.
Customer: You don’t have many crab cakes.
Me: We’re switching to previously frozen crab cakes, and the new ones haven’t come in yet.
Customer: Frozen?! No no no. Once you freeze them they’re not as good.
Me: I agree.
Customer: Give me four packs of two.
Me: Here ya go!
Customer: I’ll freeze three of these.
Me: …um….sounds great.
Customer: One pound of shrimp.
Me: Sure thing!
(I grab a handful of shrimp and put them in a bag.)
Customer: You’re not going to pick each one out individually? You’re not making me feel special!
Customer: I see y’all are all out of shrimp de-vieners. How in the world am I supposed to peel all the shrimp I bought from the dock?
Me: If you have kitchen shears, you can cut the shell here…(I go through a quick tutorial of how to peel shrimp) Anyway that’s always worked well for me.
Customer: That all sounds like total bullshit!
(She storms off)
(There’s a line of 4 customers standing in front of my counter. A fifth man frantically walks up.)
Customer: Look, I can’t wait in line! I left my baby in the car!
(We’ve been closed for 20 minutes. A customer has been standing by my counter, talking on the phone for about 30 minutes. As I clean my empty pans, they fall into the sink, making a crashing noise.)
Customer: Hey, asshole, I’m on the phone!
Customer: I want some squirters.
Me: I’m…I’m sorry?
Customer: These. Right here. Squirter clams.
Me: You mean the steamer clams?
Customer: Yeah. Why? What did I say?
Customer: Hey man, are these regular ribs?
Me: Well, I have spare ribs and back ribs both are good.
Customer: I just want regular ribs.
Me: Not exactly sure what you mean by regular ribs, but if you were using these for bbq ribs, both are great cuts.
Customer: So, you don’t sell regular ribs?
Me: Like I said, both of these are commonly used for BBQ or smoking.
Customer: Fine, I’m going where they got regular ribs!
Customer: When you steam those crab legs, can you season them?
Me: Sure, I’ve got Old Bay.
Customer: That’s the only seasoning you have?!
Me: I’ve got the seasoning we use on chicken wings?
Customer: I want crab seasoning, not damn wing seasoning. You don’t have any garlic butter seasoning?
Me: I do, it’s the seasoning we use on…wings.
Customer: Oh, I’ll take that!
Customer: That’s supposed to be $19.99!!! The scale said $24.99!!!
Me: Yes, ma’am. The full price is $24.99. The sale price is below the full price on the screen.
Customer: Okay, Mr. Butcher-man! You must be having a bad day!!
Me: Um…what else can I get you?
Customer: Come over here!! I’m not done with you, Mr. Butcher-man!!! I want a lamb chop!
Me: Okay. Anything else?
Customer: No, Mr. Butcher-man! Hope you have a better day, Mr. Butcher-man!!
Customer: I want a pound of this seasoned salmon.
Me: A pound is probably gonna be two of them. Yep. Two is a little under a pound and a quarter.
Customer: That’s too much. Try these smaller ones.
Me: They’re all about the same size. Yep, about a pound and a quarter.
Customer: Take the smallest two out of the four.
Me: About a pound and a quarter.
Customer: Try the other pair.
Me: Pound and a quarter.
Customer: How many crab legs come in a pound?
Me: They’re pretty big, so 3ish.
Customer: Can I see what a pound looks like?
(I bag it up)
Customer: How many are in there?
Me: 3.
Customer: That’s not enough. I don’t want it.
Customer: I’m looking for brisket.
Me: Sure thing. I’ve got whole briskets here and ones that are cut smaller here.
Customer: No. I want the brisket that you eat.
Me: Like already cooked?
Customer: No. I’m gonna cook it, but I want the kind you eat, not like this.
Me: …
(A customer shoves a bunch of packets of Texas Pete into his duffel bag.)
(He looks up and sees me.)
(He gives me a “come on, man” look.)
(He puts two packets back and leaves.)
Customer: I want to order lobsters for Valentine’s Day.
Me: Great! We have a preorder sales event going on right now.
Customer: So how does this work? Will you give me a tank of water with them?
Me: Um…no. They don’t come in a tank.
Customer: SO WHAT?! ARE THEY JUST CRAWLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR BACK THERE?!?!
Me: Uh…they come in a box. We put them in smaller boxes before we give them to you.
Customer: Do you have any more whole fryers?
Me: No, sir.
Customer: Are people just hoarding them?
Me: There’s a little panic buying, yes.
Customer: It isn’t fair to other people. Like me, I only wanted to get 10 and freeze them.
(Do to COVID + supply issues our shelves are mostly empty. When the truck gets here the only way to get the counter full is to block off the aisle, fill the counter, then let people rip it apart).
(I’m doing this when a woman pushes aside the cart that blocks off where I’m working)
Me: Ma’am, we have that blocked off so that we can get everything out. We only got 30 cases. Give me 5 minutes and it’ll all be out.
Customer: Fuck that and fuck you. I’m going to Publix.
Customer: Where's all the meat? I have a dinner party tonight!
Me: Well, between Covid and the storms in North Carolina we are experiencing some shortages.
Customer: You people always blame things on the weather or Covid!
Customer: Where are the ribs that are $1.49?
Me: It’s these Boston Butt a country style ribs.
Customer: No. Ribs means a rack.
Me: Country style ribs are basically parts of the shoulder that are sliced in half.
Customer: (throwing down pack) I’m going to Publix, where they know what the hell they’re talking about.